Some parents are so unbelievably delusional they actually believe their children are the second coming of Zeus himself. Well guess what? They aren’t. Hell they aren’t even special enough to be Pan, Lemnos, Thetis or even Naiads. I SOOO miss the days of “children should be seen and not heard”. Go to a restaurant, a supermarket, TJ MAXX, a Cheese Puff factory or your local firing range and I guarantee there will be at least three sets of parents who are unaware that their kids are completely out of control. Whether they are screaming, running up and down the aisles, putting their gross sticky fingers on everything or picking their mucus encrusted noses, they are there and they are monumentally annoying! Damn kids get off my lawn!!!
Remember when you did something wrong and your parent(s) immediately blamed you and held YOU accountable for your own actions? Well, sadly, those days are gone. Now instead of providing precious little Strawberry Buttercup with an easy to read moral road map, parents blame someone else for her problems. When their hideous offspring is caught stealing a fifth of scotch, 4 Tiparillos, make-up, and of course a 5-gallon tub of glitter, they try to sue the store for harassment! “Oh they make the products so enticing she HAD to steal them. It’s not her fault though, the store set her up.” Idiots!
And what the hell is going on with the deluge of ridiculous names? For the love of god people stop with the unique names spelled with alternate letters and a symbol from an ancient rune! STOP IT. Giving your genetic progeny a unique name is NOT going to help them be a better person. You know what will? Good parenting!
Maybe we shouldn’t give children everything they want everyday of their lives. And maybe, just maybe, giving little JeSSie a cell phone in elementary school is going to create a self-centered spoiled little shit who has Ptolemaic syndrome. He will have no idea how to function in the real world when, and if, the time comes for him to leave the nest. “Oh we just gave him a phone so we know he’s safe.” Oh shut your stoma! He’s fine. He doesn’t need to call you when he gets home from his alternative school that doesn’t grade the students, or to text you when he had a bowel movement and wiped all by himself.
Additionally, they don’t need their own TV’s, computers, tablets, sound systems, wine decanters, espresso machines or backyard roller coasters. How the hell are kids supposed to develop creative imaginations when every nanosecond of their lives is filled with visual and auditory overload set to level 11? Here’s a novel ideal, try teaching your precious little wanker to be independent and how to make his own toast! And just so you know Velcro shoes just make little DebBie look like she is too dumb to figure out the mind-crushing task of tying her own shoes.
And another thing, stop posting every single thing they do on Facebook, it’s annoying. “Oh look Kerfunkle just put on her skinny jeans”, “Oh LOL, Isis is pretending to read the newspaper” “Guess what ladies? Khloe put her favorite toy on a shelf.” How empty are your days that you have time to document your child’s every move and action? If you are unaware, it’s a complete disservice to the child’s future to constantly tell them how great they are. They aren’t. You may think that the elbow macaroni portrait they made of Abraham Lincoln is on par with “Red Poppies At Argenteuil”. It is not! When your precious little muffin maker finally gets accepted to an unaccredited Jr. college they are going to have a tsunami sized wave of crushing realization that they are not talented, smart, clever or even have a pleasant odor about them, stupid kids. Now where are my black socks?