You may think I’m talking about the much-maligned toe-shoes, Croq’s, Uggs, or even the irritating day-glow flip-flops. No, I’m talking about the clunky Frankenstein-esque boots, the Lola Granola ugly 37 strap Jesus sandals, or the Lady Gaga ski boot high heels. I know approximately 233 guys and not ONE of them enjoys any of the aforementioned footwear. And since we are a microcosm for all men world wide, ergo propter hoc, there isn’t ONE man on the planet that finds these atrocities attractive. So for whom are these women wearing these shoes Their friends, their gay designer buddy, www.ugly-feet-ugly-shoes.com, or perhaps even as a joke? I have no idea; I just really, really want it to stop!
Please don’t wear those horrible shoes, the ridiculously large sunglasses, three sizes too small spandex shorts, and for all things sane STOP wearing flip-flops everywhere you go! Oh, and guys unless you are working around the house where no one can see them, NEVER, EVER wear flip flops. EVER! No one wants to see your gross Bilbo Bagginsesque feet with toenails that look like they might be housing spores from the Black Plague.
Those bacteria-encrusted Hobbit feet have a lady partner in nail polish colors that closely resembles zombie fingernails that have been put through a meat grinder and covered with boric acid. Seriously what the hell are women thinking when they put on “dead carcass green”, “albino anal cheese white” or the ever popular “rotting opossum tail purple”? It is NOT attractive, men don’t like it, and it makes you look like a TMZ lemming about to jump off the nearest cliff.
Another thing that just makes my stomach roll is the “Shrimp Cocktail”. There is NOTHING attractive about your E.T. like toes extending out over the front of your clunky-ass shoes. All it does is draw attention to your corn-laden mandible like toes with that weird extra knuckle. Christ how many joints do your toes have? And let me say this so there is NO misunderstanding: French manicured toenails are horrendous, long toenails are vile, and for the love of god why are your scaly bunions on display for all to see? Go get that fixed!!!! They’re called podiatrists – they can help.
If you need (and obviously some do) please look to the past to see how classy and beautiful womens’ foot wear used to be. Check out womens’ shoes from the 40’s and 50’s, they were elegant, sexy, attractive and downright enticing. And then the 60’s and 70’s came and defecated Birkenstocks, Earth Shoes, Rainbow Flip Flops, Moccasins and Boob Tubes! P-DAMN-U! Do you think Audrey Hepburn would don a pair of platform flip-flops that look like they have enough tread as to include a 10-year/100,000 mile warranty? NO she would not! In the future please think to yourself “WWAW” (What Would Audrey Wear) before plunking down $197.53 for your next pair of shoes My Fair Lady!