For the sake of this article let’s all agree that the science fiction story of Noah and the Flood is true. Yes, yes I know any sane person with an IQ over 31 understands the overwhelming fallacy that is the flood story, but let’s just go with it and put aside logic, intelligence and the irrefutable fact that this story is stolen from the Flood of Gilgamesh almost word for word.

pushmepullyouWe all know the story; God asks Noah to build a boat that will carry two of EVERY species of animal for a pleasure cruise without the benefit of Gopher, Julie and most importantly Isaac. Noah carries out this plan perfectly, sans power tools, and finishes the ark in the nick of time. He gathers up mammals, reptiles, birds,  insects, et. al from around the globe with his Star Trek-esque transporter. Unfortunately for us though, Noah the nipple nugget missed a few; unicorns, leprechauns, dragons, fairies, push-me-pull-you’s and of course the man-bear-pig. But I digress.

As our story moves forward we find our intrepid explorer floating around a worldwide ocean, no Pangaea, no land, no soil, nothing. So picture in your mind’s eye this vessel that contains two of EVERY animal on the planet bobbing around aimlessly. Can you fathom the SMELL!?!? Where did all the food come from? Who cleaned up all the poop? Did the carnivores eat some of the herbivores? Were the animals in cages? Did you think Noah named any of the animals? Oh I definitely would have named some, and absolutely would have teased the ones with attitude. Oh and you can bet your fantasy believing asses that the badgers, flamingoes, moles and a few of the more poisonous snakes had major attitudes! Not to mention the camels; camels are just arrogant smarmy animals that possess stratospheric levels of arrogance and will lie right to your face! Stupid camels.koala

Do you think any of the animals were allowed up on the Lido deck for cocktails and shuffleboard? If not I’m guessing they probably went bat-shit crazy in their individual pens – for 375 days! Yes, that number is correct. They were on the boat for over a year! Okay I know I said at the beginning of this article let’s agree to this story being true, BUT COME ON! Really? One year with two of every animal on earth, food, water, eucalyptus leaves for Koala bears, no toilet paper, no deodorant and no Internet access? No thank you!

Okay enough; let’s get to my original point of this article, why did I call Noah a hump? For one reason and one reason only; he had the ability to stop the monumental annoyance that are mosquitos! Think about it, with just two quick slaps we would be completely rid of mosquitos FOREVER! No malaria, no encephalitis, no Dengue fever, no Yellow Fever and more importantly NO MOSQUITO BITES! So thank you so much Noah you HUMP! I hate mosquitos and by direct association with his unwillingness to help out future itchy generations – HATE NOAH!mosquito

Oh and just one more thing to ponder…  just how much rain does it require to cover Mt. Everest? You know the mountain that is 29,029 feet tall… Well, as it turns out, if ALL the ice in the world melted the oceans would rise by 216 feet. This would decimate huge swaths of coastline and kill off a large number of orange peoples, but it falls 28,813 feet short of covering Mt Everest. AND in no possible way would it cover any mountain, volcano, palisade, peak, bluff, pyramid or even a REALLY tall ladder! World wide flood – pshh!


  1. Foolish mortal! You overlooked one very important fact in your ridiculous attempt to disprove the story of the Great Flood. That is, after three days at the Coachella Alternative Music Festival, endlessly popping ecstasy and drinking unfathomable amounts of beer, I can have one helluva a pee. It goes on… and on… and on…

  2. Your diatribe is directly responsible for leading me to question my own existence, and for that – coal it shall be, forevermore.

    I’m not sure who urinated in your cornflakes but personally, I like faerie tales, I like suspending logic and I take great pleasure in the comfort that comes from knowing, beyond any doubt, that I’m better than so many others simply because I am able to place my faith above science and reason.

    You’re welcome to my sleigh after the impending rapture, heathen!

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