There are certain laws and rules in this county that simply do not make sense. Walking your goat wearing sunglasses across the street on Sunday SHOULD be a crime. And then there are certain laws that make all the sense in the world. If you murder, rape, steal, or harm someone you will more than likely do some serious time. Unless of course you are rich, your last name is Kennedy, Hilton, or Bush, or if you are a celebrity.  If these conditions apply, you may not get as much time as you actually deserve. Unfortunately, all men are NOT created equal in our current judicial system. And since I am not rich, I am not a celebrity, nor do I have a famous last name, then I – like you – would have to serve my time in the clink.

With that being said, let’s talk, (and by “let’s talk” I mean read what I write), about what punishment should befall you if you do something vile to a child. Children are like animals, besides the weird smells. If you harm one, I think the old “eye-for-an-eye” retribution strategy needs to be re-integrated into our criminal system. If you are so broken you think it’s okay to harm a child then you are simply nothing more than a depraved person whom is using up valuable space, and more than likely government cheese.

We get so few opportunities in life to be completely innocent.  Childhood, for the lucky, is at the top of the list.  If you take this away from a child, or harm the elderly, animals, sock puppets, Chucky, Jon Stewart and on a good day Sumo wrestlers, you should either be locked up or someone should put an Aids infected bullet in your head!

In my opinion, these cretins of society should be tortured ever so slowly until they scream out for a quick death – which we will NOT grant! We are going to hurt you in an excruciatingly painful way for a very long time. How much pain can a human being bear? Well guess what Gary Mercure, you are going to find out!

What about those in power that know crimes are being committed, but instead of doing the right thing, try to hide these horrific crimes. Shouldn’t these people also be held accountable? Yes, yes they should. Sorry Cardinal Mahoney, but moving priests around so they don’t get arrested for raping children doesn’t get you a ticket to heaven! You sir, are going straight to hell.  You will not pass GO and you will NOT collect your $200! You might want to crack open that book you hide behind, and try applying some of those laws to yourself!

If I hide a criminal in my house, I will get arrested for aiding and abetting. So please tell me why on earth we haven’t prosecuted anyone in the church who has hidden, moved, or covered up a crime committed by a priest? This law should apply to ANYONE: a bishop, an archbishop, or the pope. These people have knowingly aided and abetted pedophiles. Thus not only breaking man’s laws, but in their eyes, God’s laws. Yet we let them remain free, travel to any country they wish, and even lead millions of people by “example” – nice example Church Boy! Seriously, what the hell is going on here? How is it that they are not thrown in jail with absolutely no chance of parole, ever!

If we are not going to arrest these sad excuses for the human condition, I say we let the victims or the families of the victims take a crack at them. How about we strap them to a table a la Dexter-style, and allow the victim or the victim’s family to spend a few quality hours with them. Yes, they are allowed, in fact encouraged, to bring in any instrument of pain they wish. I have a few suggestions just in case they cannot think clearly through the rage:

  • Weed Eater
  • Acetylene Torch
  • Sulfuric Acid
  • Glass Encrusted Bat
  • Hungry Wolverines
  • Urethra Size Glass Tubes
  • Mike Tyson
  • Bullet Ants
  • A Pirate’s Hook Hand
  • The Cast of Jersey Shore Reading the Complete Works of Shakespeare
  • A Spork and/or a Butter Knife
  • Nail Clippers
  • Super Cooled Liquid Helium
  • Dry Sponges and a Car Battery
  • A Broken Pool Cue
  • A Pineapple
  • All of the Above

Personally, I would have absolutely no problem hurting these individuals.  However, I understand that some people are not comfortable with this notion. Fine –  no problem –  let’s bring in a few mountain gorillas to recreate the Samsonite commercial – sans the luggage!

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