I’m serious I have NO idea what “white privilege” means. Don’t get me wrong, I understand what the media, hippies, unicorns, chimeras and trolls THINK it means. But “this word you keep using does NOT mean what you think it means.” I’m white(ish); actually I’m more of a golden tan with a dollop of Oompa Loompa then actually white. oompa_loompaBut I digress. Have I ever received preferential treatment because of my skin color? How the hell would I know! It’s not like any maître de has ever told me “Oui, Monsieur Angry Jew I have put you ahead of everyone else because I like the color of your skin.” Oh sure there was that one time the bank gave me $50,000 because of the golden delicious color of my epidermal layer.

Do you know how many grants, scholarships and student loans are given to white people because of their epidermis? Be prepared to be SHOCKED to your core! I have researched this extensively and have found that for the entire United States there is a total of 0.0. White people can only get a scholarship if they excel at something (or based on financial need); be it sports, music, intelligence, cat juggling or even the lost art of pickling. Minorities, however, can receive a grant based SOLELY on their ethnic heritage. Jewish people are a minority; want to guess how many government grants there are for us? Bagel, that’s how many. Is this the white privilege I keep hearing about?beanie_baby

Although last year I did receive a 1% mortgage bank loan solely based on my tan skin. That happened to be the same week I was given a free Lexus, 3 years worth of free gasoline and one Beanie Baby. I don’t want to brag but I also get free maid services for life, a French trained chef four days a week and a case of Billy Beer all because I am white. I would love to hear what great parting gifts any of you have received, well obviously only from my white readers.

“When I was 8 years old and in the second grade, black children first began asking me if I was “mixed.” In our house, my white mother, the sweetest woman ever and one of the best friends I’ve ever had, didn’t talk much about race. Most white families don’t. It’s part of the privilege.” – Shawn King. shawn_kingIn case you don’t know who Shawn King is, and really why should you, he is one of the “voices” of the Black Lives Matter movement. He said the aforementioned quote in response to the many stories being published regarding his lying about his past and his ethnicity. Well guess what Shawn? The reason most white families don’t talk about race is because we DON’T CARE! You racist, hypocritical, wannabe, dill hole, race baiting chode waffle.

And speaking of “Black Lives Matter” – by now I’m sure you all have heard this racist mantra ad nauseam, from people who have no idea how unbelievably absurd this statement actually is. I DO NOT believe in “Black Lives Matter,” what I do believe in is “Lives Matter.” Not just black, not just white nor brown, I’m still on the fence regarding the Orange spray tan people because they are so gross and probably smell like cat vomit. In a past article I addressed the issue of how not to get killed by the police, but in case you missed it:

  1. Don’t be a criminal
  2. Don’t resist arrest
  3. Don’t be a dick

It’s quite simple and it applies to every race, NOT just the one you happened to belong to and feel targeted because of. Want an inside tip as to whom the police actually target? You do? richard_nixon_maskOkay… criminals. Stop acting like you are being unfairly pulled over, stopped and/or frisked solely because of your skin color. Every single one of us breaks at least one law every day we leave the comfort of our homes, barcaloungers, drunken garden gnomes and high-speed Internet connections. You may not think you do, but you do. The minute you drive 3 miles an hour over the speed limit, the time(s) you stopped 2 seconds instead of 3 at a stop sign or even that time you donned a Richard Nixon mask and robbed a bank. While these transgressions are not equal in the eyes of the law they are in fact infractions. So get off your high horse of indignation and face the fact that the minute you resist arrest you might get shot.

Something else I have noticed about the “Black Lives Matter” movement, they NEVER EVER protest black on black crimes. Wjesse_jacksonhy is this? Do black lives only matter when a white or brown man takes them? Odd. Do you think white police officers are shooting only blacks and no other races? Well guess what Petunia they aren’t. But strangely enough we just don’t see the media cover a story when the police kill a white or brown person. Gee this kind of sounds like, wait for it, black privilege. Does the media only care when a black person is shot, and for that matter why don’t we EVER see any of the black leaders speak up when someone outside of their race is killed? They claim to want to “fix” police departments but the reality is they only speak up when someone the same color gets shot. But once again, NOT if it is done by another black person. Shameful.

leatherbackNow let’s get back to my white privilege; it’s time for me to wrap up this article and meet my friend Chad on the golf course for a quick 9 holes. After that we are going to a Champagne tasting party at Donald Trump’s mansion while twelve penguins perform a dance routine to “Achy Brakey Heart.” And for dinner we are being served Condor eggs Florentine with Blue Whale sushi and a side dish of Leatherback Turtle Ceviche. Mmmmmm turtle…


  1. If the adage of “If it bleeds it leads” is true, then the main-stream media would be doing story after story of gang murders in cities like Baltimore, Detroit, Chicago, etc. Is the media’s agenda on this subject – some black lives matter?

  2. you are right on about everything you said. You may be short fat and even a little orange ish in color but you are no oompa lumpa you can’t sing!!!!

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