There are many social morays one should follow when you are visiting someone to spend any length of time in their home, this could be 1 day or 2 weeks, the rules still apply. Before I begin my list I would like to point out a few of the varying degrees of a “visit”:

  1. Relatives, or relative, visiting from out of state
  2. Extended relatives coming in for a holiday, just because you don’t live near the Arctic Circle
  3. Stinky skank sleeping over from the local dive bar
  4. Hitch Hiker who, even though he may be carrying a machete, looks like a nice guy

Of these I would venture a guess that most of you are more familiar with the first two, and have little (hopefully anyway) experience with the latter two. So for the sake of brevity let’s focus our list on the first two:

  • Since flying these days is something akin to being locked in an Ebola Zaire petri dish for three days, there should be a two-day quarantine – post flight. Sorry Typhoid Mary but we don’t want to catch a third world body blistering pediculosis!
  • Don’t bitch about the plane ride or what schmuck you had to sit next to for 3.5 hours. However, this rule is excused if you had a crying baby anywhere on your flight.
  • Offer to sleep on the couch, under the stairs, in the garage, the hall closet, or even on the kitchen counter. Three people in any bed is one too many!
  • Don’t request certain foods for your trip. If we ask you fine, but if not I don’t care that you will only eat avocados grown in the Peruvian rain forest.
  • Sitting around all day saying your bored will get you a one-way taxi ride to Disney Lands’ “It’s a small world” ride.
  • While you are cleaning the hosts’ house, and you should at least once a day, don’t snoop around in the drawers, medicine cabinets, or most importantly under the master bed!
  • Don’t look your hosts in the eyes, this is a sign of aggression.
  • If you are a handy man, or handy women, offer to help fix, upgrade, or maintain your hosts abode in any way possible. Changing a light bulb doesn’t count unless you incorporate it into a dance routine to Donna Summers’ “Bad Girls”.
  • Shower at least once a day, brush your teeth at least twice a day, and don’t forget to bring deodorant. I cannot stress this last point enough!
  • If you are a man, quasi-man or a butch lesbian, don’t wear sandals. Trust me no one wants to see your feet!
  • If you know how to cook well, offer to cook at every possible opportunity. If you don’t know how to cook please don’t offer to make your “world famous quail-scrambled eggs”.

This is by no means a complete list but it will help your stay that much more pleasant for everyone involved, and we both know by “everyone” I mean ME!

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