1. heart_handsPeople who make that stupid heart shape with their hands. It’s not clever, it’s not cute, it’s lame and you are REALLY going to regret those pictures in 2 years!
  2. Justin Bieber – particularly his droopy, poopy pants. I hear he is up for the 2013 “Douche of the Year” award.
  3. People who say they are “foodies”. WE’RE ALL FOODIES! You know who aren’t foodies? Dead people!!!
  4. Mosquitoes. God I hate them. Stupid evolution!
  5. The direction Apple has taken since Steve Jobs died. This one just makes me sad.
  6. People who are calling Snowden a hero. He’s a traitor and should be put before a firing squad after he is dropped from a drone.
  7. Puns. Puns are for dumb people who want to be funny, but aren’t.
  8. Top “whatever” lists. Oh wait, did I just… oh, they’re still irritating!
  9. Not requiring voters to show ID. Seriously, how is this not a law?
  10. Chin beards with no mustache. Is there a secret society of chode monkeys out there that sends out monthly newsletters?
  11. Flip Flops. People, enough already, you have gross feet, PLEASE hide them!gross-feet-in-sandals
  12. Flo. For the love of God, how long is she going to be a spokeswoman?
  13. Tamper-proof seals on food products. Specifically designed to NEVER EVER open properly. Great, now there is ketchup everywhere!
  14. Coffee cups that heat up in the microwave. Look, I want my coffee hot; I DON’T want my cup to reach the temperature of the sun!
  15. People who throw their cigarette butts out their windows. The world is not your ashtray, you lung cancer phlegm balls!
  16. Online applications. I don’t care if it MIGHT be the future, when I buy an application I want to OWN it. NOT rent it!
  17. Weeds. Why can’t we get grass to grow like weeds? COME ON!
  18. Lazy people who don’t take the extra .03 seconds it takes to type out the proper name. It’s “Hater” not “H8ter”, and I know you aren’t actually laughing out loud!
  19. “Save the Environment”. Shut your meat hole hippy, you aren’t even a microbe on a dust mite who has hitched a ride on a fly who landed on your fecal encrusted dreadlocks!
  20. Medicine commercials. Could the side effects list get any longer? And anal leakage, REALLY!
  21. People. There, I said it!
  22. Scented candles that are liars. They smell great in the store, but won’t give you one nostril fill of deliciousness when you get them home.scented_candle
  23. Parents who let their gross children leave their toys all over the yard. Come on, teach those grubs some responsibility!
  24. The fact that Bill Gates is a better person than Steve Jobs was. Damn it, I don’t want this to be true, but sadly it is.
  25. People who keep praising Heath Ledger’s Joker. It just wasn’t that good, all he did was lick his lips like some creepy pedophile. Caesar Romero was the best joker ever, end of story.
  26. The fact that we don’t have cars like the Jetsons yet. Promises were made that haven’t been fulfilled!
  27. People who won’t watch a movie because they don’t like an actor’s political beliefs. Mel Gibson is a raving anti-Semite, but he’s made some damn fine films. Although Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome was NOT one of them!
  28. The two-second difference in microwave ovens between frozen solid and oozing lava.
  29. The way everyone seems to be starting sentences with “So”. It’s like 2013’s version of “know what I’m saying”. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
  30. The fact that cell phones aren’t illegal in cars yet. And when you honk at the boob in front of you because the light changed to green 45 seconds ago, that person gets mad at you! IDIOTS!
  31. Morons who cross the street DIRECTLY in front of your car at a 37° angle. I will absolutely run you over if you don’t pick up the pace!
  32. Pi. Oh come on, we all know you are trying to be ∞!pi
  33. People at the gym on their cell phones. You’re there to get in shape, NOT to annoy everyone else with your self-centered conversation! SHUT IT!
  34. Hip-hop culture. Pull your pants up already!
  35. The fact that every 10 years I look back and think “Man, I was an idiot then”. Crap! That means I’m an idiot NOW!
  36. People named Greg. I just do.
  37. Jorts.

3 Comments

  1. My itchy robe has been irritating me for an eternity, but you don’t hear me complaining. Man up, bitch.

  2. You nailed #35. Now, maybe if you stopped squatting when you pee your Nads would drop. Then you wouldn’t have to snivel about life’s useless drivel. As “God” Says “man up, bitch!”

  3. “So” I think those are hysterical right on point!

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