The worst part is that they are posting these statements not because they have an overwhelming need to share the boring minutiae of their lives. Nope, that’s not it. Rather they make these posts so they can prove to the world that their lives are complete and perfect. Well, guess what? Your posts actually prove to the world that you are a vacuous shallow shell of a human being who craves the approval of others to make it through just one more reality show-crushing day.
I have written a few thoughts of my own that will give you an example of what I’m talking about. And by talking I mean irritated! To this end I have not only written the original sub-intellectual posts but I went the extra 1.3 meters and penned what the response should be.
Husband: Love you kiddo! Our relationship is just awesome.
Wife: What is wrong with you?
Husband: Wishing my lady special feels from my heart!
Wife: You need therapy, seriously.
Husband:: Just wanted to give a shout out to my boo!
Wife: What are you 12?
Husband: Send Love! It’s date night with my wife.
Wife: I’m cancelling because you’re an idiot.
Wife: What did your mother do to you?
Husband: Looking forward to our vacay in paradise!
Wife: And now you’re going by yourself.
Husband: Feeling blessed after a great weekend with my wonderful wife!
Wife: Ugh, there are no words.
Husband: Love my wife and our life.
Wife: Seriously stop, I don’t even like you.
Husband: So proud of my lady! She filled the car’s gas tank on her own.
Wife: Your IQ MUST be smaller than your waist size.
Husband: I’m so lucky my wife is simply smarter than anyone I know
Wife: If I’m so smart, why am I with you?
Husband: 15 years and still going strong with my lady!
Wife: I literally just saw you in the kitchen and wanted to punch you in the face.
Husband: My babe looks amazing in her new dress.
Wife: Yeah instead of telling me it makes sense to post this.
Wife: Glad you enjoyed it, I feel like I need a Silkwood shower.
Husband: Date night with my love, Yeah!
Wife: Date for you, hell for me.
Husband: Loving life! Good friends and wonderful conversation.
Wife: When you were so busy posting these inane comments the rest of us actually enjoyed the time away from you.
Husband: Going through old photos of my baby and me! Yeah for us!
Wife: If only I could go back in time and not make the mistake that is this relationship.
Husband: Guys weekend away! Drinks, Dinner and Discussions!
Wife: God if only it lasted 365 days.
Husband: Love my life – love my wife.
Wife: I hate everything about you.
Husband: Summer 2013 – Falling in love again!
Wife: I’m literally descending into hell.
Husband: Crazy times, we ordered soup AND salad.
Wife: Where is our gun?
Husband: I’m just nuts, I just put a Post-It on my wife’s mirror expressing my love.
Wife: The next time you enter my bathroom I will stab you in the face.
Wife: You’re a fairy!
Husband: Lost myself in my lady’s eyes last night. Couldn’t ask for any more!
Wife: I would give anything for you to get lost in a third world country!
Husband: Just wanted to give a shout out to my mother for her birthday!
Wife: Whom are you writing this for? Not only is your mother NOT on The Facebook but also she doesn’t even own a computer! Idiot.
Husband: Please send prayers, my love stubbed her toe.