Who’s against the death penalty? I’ll tell you who – broad faced, pansy ass, save the earth, give peace a chance 99 per centers. Ugh. Can ANYONE explain to me why these chamomile tea drinking, summer scarf wearing, natural deodorant nugget nibblers are against the death penalty but FOR abortion? Equally vexing are the religious folk who are against abortion but FOR the death penalty. You people need to decide one way or the other!deathchair

The death penalty is a law that we need to start implementing on a much, much, MUCH larger scale. I take umbrage to the fact that we don’t have DMV-esque waiting lines at every prison for the Death-O-Meter-3000. And why the hell does it take 15 years for the appeals process to be completed before we snuff out these douche waffles? Career criminals are just that – criminals for life. Do we really need to have these “people” in our society? I think not. That’s not to say I agree with the Three-Strikes law, I don’t. It’s absurd that someone who steals a piece of pizza gets locked up for 20 years. How about we start applying logic and common sense to the judicial system instead of the letter of the law. A quick side note, it’s time for tort reform! Damn lawyers.

Let’s get back to eliminating reprehensible people. As a country should we be forced to pay a murderer’s living tab for the next 20 years? NO! If we can prove that someone is guilty of murder we should march them across a half-mile of broken glass and lemon juice infused Lego’s on their hands and knees. legosAt the end of this Crawlarama they will be given the choice of trampolining into a dull rusty wood chipper or having their head put in a vice that is tightened a ½ inch every three hours. I know this may sound harsh to some of you, but these criminals should not be allowed to breathe while their victim(s) can’t. And if the victim’s family is so inclined they should be allowed to kill the murderer by any method of their choosing. Mmmmm eye for an eye.

I also believe that a criminal’s punishment should fit their crime. If a rapist gets caught and is convicted of said crime, I think they should be bent over a sawhorse, strapped down and then placed in the common area of Rikers for nine days with a sign on their backs that reads “open for business”. sheersIf they survive, and I kind of hope they do, they then should have their junk removed with rusty hedge sheers sans anesthesia, lest they never forget the women who must live the rest of their lives with the memory of this horrific crime.

Civil rights you say? Peshaw! We should enact a law that states if you commit a violent crime against another person (or animal but not the smurfs) you lose every single civil right. If these people don’t care about what effect their crimes have against innocent people they should not be allowed to maintain the same rights as the rest of us. Enough with giving criminals more rights than their victims had.

And I’ve saved the best for last, child molesters and child murderers. Here is a spoiler alert; if you disagree with the last few paragraphs DO NOT continue, you will not like what I have to say! Good, we got rid of all the spineless turd goblins. The lowest rung on the human depravity criminal ladder has to be those who commit violent crimes against children. There is ABSOLUTELY no place for these miscreant sphincter flaps in any society. We should torture them in the most excruciating ways known to mankind. Perhaps we should feed them a pudding mixed with flesh eating bacteria and Ebola laced Jimmies. wingWe should torture them for 10 years straight, no early release, no chance of pardon, just delicious torture! The first year of torture is not so bad, we play the music of Wing for 23 hours a day. Why 23 you ask? Well it’s because we change the quiet hour day to day so the prisoner is constantly wondering when it will stop. The second year they will be thrown off of a 2 story building into a box of used X-acto blades and one stuffed animal every week. Why 2 stories? It’s because a 2 story fall won’t kill them but by the 52nd week they will be a broken mass of quivering jelly. And of course the torture gets worse every year until the 10th year at which point we wrap them in Hefty garbage bags filled with bullet ants and Asian hornets, then we lock them in a 138° sauna until death. Ring around the rosie!


  1. Death by BOOF!!!

  2. The anti-capital punishment lobby is coming for you.

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