dressHave you seen how unbelievably shameful some teenage girls are dressing these days? I have, and I must say “Heavens to Murgatroyd!” While the hep chicks may think it’s the cat’s meow, let me assure you old bean, it is NOT the bee’s knees. In no possible way would anyone ever consider me prudish. But I am astonished at how some parents let their daughters dress AND more importantly, leave the house!

Seriously, what is wrong with you as a parent? Do you think it’s okay for your daughter(s) to leave the house wearing a dress that is .025 inches below her… you know what I mean? Just go ahead and skip the middleman and name your daughter Cinnamon, Star, Mercedes or the ever-popular Blue-Light Special!

promI cannot understand how parents justify their daughter(s) leaving the house in an outfit that most $5.36 streetwalkers would consider dishonorable. Are you desperately trying to cling onto your youth that was long over when the millennium began with a one? Let it go!!!! You are being a TERRIBLE parent by teaching your child that instead of presenting herself with grace, tact and beauty she should garner attention by dressing like Tila Tequila after she’s been on a 5-day meth/heroin bender in a Turkish bath house during Carnival when the Piggly Wiggly is giving away free bottles of Everclear.

You parents are not in your 20’s anymore; STOP trying to grab the ever diminishing golden youth ticket with your disgusting, cheese encrusted fake fingernails. You had your turn, let your daughters have theirs. If you want to know if an outfit is okay for your daughter to wear in public, simply ask this question; “would Audrey Hepburn wear this?” If the answer is no then start being a parent and tell them it is inappropriate to wear that shameful outfit. clear-shoesAnd furthermore, would you please take three Nano-seconds and glance at the “I’m too easy” shoes they are wearing. Nothing says more about how accessible she is than the acrylic platform shoes she is currently donning. It doesn’t matter if Miley “Petrie Dish” Cyrus is wearing them; she is a skank of biblical proportions NOT a role model.

Can we please get back to when women dressed with class and style? And trust me I get the irony coming from a guy whose wardrobe consists mostly of upscale Uzbekistan items from Le Tar-Get. Believe me if I could I would like nothing better than to dress like Ricky Ricardo. That man had one sweet wardrobe! But alas, I will never be that suave and debonair. Damn it.

Maybe parents should start, oh I don’t know, PARENTING! These are your daughters, please treat them as such instead of “Dress Up Jezebel Barbie With Kung Fu Grip!” Do you want to see young guys showing up to school wearing dolphin shorts, halter tops with a print of a sausage, and Jesus sandals that say “YOLO” on them? God NO! So how about you stop letting your daughters dress like harlots because “everyone else dresses that way.” If everyone else was getting plastic surgery to have neck bolts, a pectoral fin, 8-point antlers, a third boob and a prehensile tail attached, would you let them do that?



  1. AWESOME! Thank you for writing this — I wish more parents would take note. I can’t believe what girls wear these days. I really hope these words make it from your paper/computer to their eyes!!!

  2. You said, “biblical proportions.” I know a thing or two about that.

    BTW, I made Audrey Hepburn. You’re welcome.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>