Tattoos. Tattoos. Tattoos. Everywhere you look these days everyone, and yes even some animals, has a tattoo or perhaps even thirty-seven! From frat boy “I don’t know what they mean” Chinese symbols, to muffin top tramp stamps, hell even the geriatric crowd is getting in on the fad. Of course the elderly do get charged double because you have NO IDEA how hard it is to tattoo the INSIDE of a fold.  I have no problem with the concept of tattoos, what I do have a problem with is the deluge of consumers who get a tattoo just to say they have one. Their tattoos have no meaning, no homage, no declarations, no voice, there is simply no back-story, they have no purpose. Might as well get a tattoo that says “tattoo”.

If you are going to mark your skin PERMANENTLY make sure you ink yourself with something that has meaning. What does a tribal symbol barbed wire tattoo wrapped around a pencil thin arm say about you? Well “Mr. Creative” it means you have absolutely no imagination and you probably picked out your tattoo from the book at the tattoo shop. Following our intrepid out of the box thinker “Mr. Creative” is the drunken muffin top sorority girl who picked out that “special” butterfly from the aforementioned book. Where on her body will she place this ground-breaking work of art? Yes, you guessed it she will be the 5,349,873 girl to get her “tramp stamp”. Unfortunately for the rest of the world the only way to show off this seminal piece of monochromatic art work is to wear her pants ‘eye bleedingly’ low on her hips, “make it stop”, “make it stop”, “make it stop”!

And yet these two denizens of academia don’t hold a candle to the “yeah, I’ve stabbed someone with a fork” neck tattoo guy. Oddly enough for some strange reason he just can’t quite land that lucrative corporate job with his “I Hate Cops” tattoo peeking out from his not so clean, short-sleeved white shirt. Don’t feel bad for him though he can always go back to the trailer park and drink away his sorrows with his completely sleeved buddy. You know the guy with so many tattoos it’s impossible to make out even one because of the visual overload of  “cover up” tats. And while I’m sure he no longer loves “Shirley” I’m not 100% sure that the Koi fish death skull completely covers up her name.

Face Tattoos. Face Tattoos! So bizarre I had to say it twice. A face tattoo, a FACE TATTOO! Why not just make a battery powered electric t-shirt that says “For the rest of my life, PLEASE everyone STARE at ME!”  Oh and God forbid you do steal a 2.45 second glance, you get verbally chastised with an angry “What are you looking at!” “Um, well the kids and I are staring at your FACE Professor Hawking!” What the hell do you think everyone is staring at, your romantic piercing blue eyes? A face tattoo begs the “Would You Rather” question; would you rather get a face tattoo OR have a racist spewing mouth that never stops talking in the middle of your forehead? If, however you are of Maorian decendency then please ignore this last paragraph.

And what the hell is going on in the NBA? The individualistic players these days are the guys who actually don’t have tattoos. Doesn’t it seem as though we’ve crossed over into an upside backwards world? No longer are the rebels the one’s with body ink, nope it’s the people who don’t follow the pied piper of trendy American fads. Oh and just in case you are wondering face piercing are SOOO 3 years ago, they didn’t look good then and the puss infected crater they’ve left behind doesn’t look good today. I think I see your cliff approaching – lemming!

2 Comments

  1. i’ve had tattoos for the past twenty years and plan on getting more…sometimes they have meaning, other times they don’t…that’s my choice…who cares if everyone else has them??? everyone else also drives cars and goes to work (well most people, including myself, do)… i didn’t get tattooed to win cool points or to try to be different: i got them because i love the way they look, and people in my family have been getting them for generations…most of my friends are NOT tattooed and we simply don’t talk about my tattoos, and we are friends because we share other things in common, such as traveling and hiking….
    i’m pretty sure you’re gonna die an unhappy old prude if you keep on complaining and getting bothered by little things that you can easily keep your grumpy self out of by focusing on things that make YOUR life more pleasant…or not…if you want to die a crotchety old hag, then go ahead…

    • People, mostly, get tattoos not for themselves but to show off for others. Have you noticed that people with tattoos only wear clothing that shows off their tattoos? If they got them for themselves they wouldn’t bother wearing sleeveless shirts in the dead of winter. You can tell yourself whatever you want to help you sleep at night, but the fact remains you didn’t get the ink for yourself, you got them because: they are trendy, you want to be a rebel by following the masses, it makes you feel tough or in the case of most people you simply are a boob. I’m willing to bet you have a tribal tattoo, let me ask you – what tribe are you from? Better yet you have either a barbed wire tattoo or a tramp stamp, how’s that working out?

      But thank you for commenting on my article! I’m sure I have many others that will rub you the wrong way, I look forward to your barely scraping the micron surface comments.

      And maybe instead of spending all of your extra monies on crappy tattoos perhaps it might be a good idea to invest in a few English classes. Here’s an article I wrote for people, like you, who have taken the beauty that is the English language and buried it under three feet of bat guano wrapped in hepatitis infused maggots:

      http://askanangryjew.com/english/

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