Whether you know it or not, there are signs that are pointing to the terrifying fact that we are sliding fast and inexorably towards a looming apocalypse. Is it the end of days? Nope. Is it a collapse of the monetary system? Nope. Is it even a religious genocide? No it is not. I’ll tell you what it is; it is an ever-increasing belief system that EVERYONE is special. It’s their world and we are just passing through it on our way to an overcrowded airport terminal located in limbo.airport-line

Most people like to start their day off with the life giving elixir that is coffee. A large, large number of people will stand, somewhat patiently, in line to give Starbucks a disproportionate amount of their hard earned dollars for a cup of coffee. While standing there lost in time you are forced to listen to the inordinately mundane conversation of the two recently divorced fifty year old used-to-be’s, who for some reason are ALWAYS in front of you no matter what line you are standing in! For the love of god lady, absolutely no one cares about you or your orange tan! You are a diseased carbuncle on the scaly foot that is the American consumer.starbucks_long_lines

After what seems to be a millennium and three days you make it to the counter to order your Double-Latte-Half-Mac-Frappucino with a shot of Espresso. Luckily you know exactly what you want and what strange size you would like it served in. However, now you have to do battle with a slack jawed yokel who mumbles something in your general direction while you were momentarily distracted by a sudden and MASSIVE increase in volume from the aforementioned orange tilapia trollup. I am assuming it was “Hello, may I take your order” but more than likely was “What”.

FINALLY you place your order in a clear and articulate manner, but unfortunately Jynyfer behind the counter is already engaged in a stimulating game of “Ignore the Customer”. Oh it’s great fun for the both of you. She gets to feel a moment of glorified power in her still-live-at-home day, and you get to be enraged by a ridiculous lip pierced kid with poor grammar and dirty fingernails. Now is the time when you can have some real fun! Give them a fake name and watch the hilarity ensue. Here are few names to help get you started:

  • Apple Sauce
  • Fly Alaskan
  • Brown Shoes
  • Cheese Doodle
  • DJ Ronald Reagan
  • Cotton Swab
  • Biscuit

Remember you must say these with an absolutely straight face!

call_centerWhile I am on the subject of shining examples of American business ingenuity, I would like to know if the rest of you LOATHE the phone messaging system that most corporations are using these days? How many hours have you been stuck in this paradoxical hell? Why do I have to give my information to the automated answering system, the second automaton and 3 dog years later to the human being from a spicy infused far away land? There is no logical reason why I should have to keep giving the same EXACT information every time I’m switched to yet another meat puppet whom has no idea how to help me! This is basically the electronic version of standing in a line that Disney engineers would be proud of.

There is nothing quite like wasting an entire morning explaining to a most delightful person with a preschooler’s grasp of the English language that you can’t remember your user name. Their solution is to walk you through the steps to get to the contact page on their web site so you can enter your user name and password. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Pol Pot, Hitler, Stalin and perhaps the Snuggle Bear are the only people evil enough to conceive anything that equals this repugnant practice.

Tan_MomAfter this exhausting and soul crushing experience in which NOTHING will ever be solved, nothing sounds better than a nice fresh delicious deli sandwich. Off you go to drive the gauntlet of mid-day business robots, Land Rover texting and driving Stepford wives, hear my stereo 3 miles away punk ass kids, and the ever popular all I can see is your knuckles blue hairs! Finally you make it to the sandwich shop and yes you guessed it – time to stand in line. And you will never believe whom you are standing behind, AGAIN. Yes it’s your own personal Oompa Loompa divorcee who absolutely positively MUST answer her cell phone in regards to what outfit she will be wearing to the next Country Bear Tennis jamboree!




  1. Bwahahahahahahahahahah!

  2. You sound a bit intolerant, definitely inpatient. BTW, the US monetary system is not on the surest of footings.

    And, what are you doing in a Starbucks’ line?

    • A “bit” intolerant? How dare you, I am VERY intolerant!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>