If we were to wake up one day and POOF magically I’m the President of these United States there WILL be changes. Oh there will be changes!

Now I do realize I wouldn’t last very long as President but I would try to pass, as law, as many of these items as I possibly could:

  1. Convicted animal abusers will be tortured live on TV.
  2. Toe shoes, UGG boots, Huge Sunglasses, Faux Hawks, Ed Hardy wear, Baggy Pants, Trucker Hats – ILLEGAL!
  3. No Statute of limitations – on any crime.
  4. Subsidies, Bailouts, Welfare, No Bid Contracts – Gone!
  5. Death Penalty in ALL states – to be carried out in less than one year live on TV.
  6. Reality shows – BANNED!
  7. Gay marriage – legal.
  8. Ice Capades – illegal.
  9. NO universal health care.
  10. 17% Flat tax.
  11. Mandatory written and oral tests to have children. (Reason#1  – http://imgur.com/gallery/sNO4s  Reason#2  – http://imgur.com/gallery/nVrg9)
  12. Religious organizations are no longer tax-exempt.
  13. If you loose a frivolous lawsuit you must pay $10,000 to a charity.
  14. Clint Eastwood’s face gets added to Mount Rushmore.
  15. There MUST be an Einstein Bagel store in every town.
  16. Convicted child abusers are drawn and quartered with barbed wire. Once again, on TV!
  17. If your dog barks for more than seven minutes you have to pay $100 (to an animal shelter) per minute thereafter.
  18. Don Knotts  – declared a National Treasure.
  19. Westboro Church members MUST have their mouths stapled shut with Aids infected staples. – Everyday!
  20. Super bowl halftime shows – cancelled!
  21. Cell phones are ILLEGAL in cars, gyms, schools, restaurants, theaters, bars and in the hands of teenagers.
  22. Toddlers and Tiaras parents – ARRESTED and STERILIZED! (see #10).
  23. Driving slowly in the fast lane – $1500 fine.
  24. Teenagers must do mandatory 3 months of boot camp.
  25. Politicians can NEVER bring up religion, EVER!
  26. Lobbyist, Super Pac’, Unions, Special Interests – Illegal.
  27. Sports stadiums MUST get rid of the “Pee Trough”. So gross.
  28. Prisoners must work and NOT get paid. It’s PRISON!!!
  29. Pledge of Allegiance in schools – DISMISSED!
  30. Pro-Life Zealots must support homeless children.
  31. Pro-Choice Zealots must donate time at a children’s hospital.
  32. If you run from the police they are allowed (and encouraged) to shoot you.
  33. EVERYONE must show a photo ID to vote.
  34. When singing the National Anthem it MUST be sung properly, NO RUNS!!!!
  35. Affirmative action – Cancelled. Stupid idea!
  36. The AMA MUST allow healthy eating in its doctrine. In case you didn’t know they can’t treat cancer with nutrition!
  37. The government CANNOT spend more than it takes in PERIOD!
  38. Commercials cannot be louder than TV shows.
  39. Convicted spammers – death penalty.
  40. Tyler Perry, Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler and M. Night Shamalama Ding Dong must STOP making movies.
  41. Al Gore forced to admit Global Warming is made up.
  42. Illegal for white people to grow dreadlocks. You look ridiculous!
  43. Black comedians are outlawed from doing the “Black people this – White people that” routine.
  44. No more talk on the Titanic. ENOUGH already!


  1. Snoopy on ice will be no more?!?!?!?! How can you sleep at night?

  2. I love that you are an equal opportunity lawmaker, spreading your love to offenders of all kinds. To my surprise, I agree with almost every one of your laws. (Back to that in a second.) I’d like to team up with you on one more law: the law of gravity. Idiots who shoot their guns into the air on New Year’s Eve must be penalized by having those very same bullets do an about-face, race downward and tear through their marshmallow-filled skulls.
    Now back to your list…
    #41: Global warming is real. That A-hole down south started it when I was distracted, enjoying a yummy, crispy, chocolatey Kit Kat bar.
    #11 (Reason#1 – http://imgur.com/gallery/sNO4s). As you well know, I typically defend all people because, after all, I created them. In regard, to these folks, though, all I can say is I must have had an off day. Which also would explain much of the population in the South.
    On the topic of having a Jew for President…
    I think it’s a tremendous idea. And, as I’ve stated, I agree with almost everything on your list, but, while you’re terrific and all, I’m thinking a different Jew might be better for the job. I really think it should be a Jewish actor. Follow me on this:
    It’s said that Hollywood is run by Jews. Hollywood is the about the most powerful group of people in the country (save for maybe Justin Bieber’s “beliebers”), so Jews taking over the U.S. governemnt would be merely evolution. Washington is full of a bunch of liars and cheats, none of whom are really who they publicly portray themselves to be. Essentially, they are bad actors. So let’s get a good actor — a professional, acting Jew. It’s a little known fact that Morey Amsterdam, who played wisecracking “Buddy” on the 1960s Dick Van Dyke show, is still alive. (Secretly frozen and stored in the commercial freezer at the Friar’s Club, he’s temporarily thawed out now and then to attend important celebrity roasts.) Morey Amsterdam gets my vote. Add Rose Marie (“Sally” from the same show) as his running mate, and they couldn’t be beat.

  3. I’m voting for you!

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