First off, yes I know I have already written an article similar to this one, but since these people still exist here on earth, and of course in some hellish parallel universe, they deserve another piece about how truly broken they are.

How is it that these low life sociopaths can intentionally  hurt an animal, particularly their own pet(s)? These abhorrent actions are SO outside my scope of understanding it’s like an Exo-Biologist explaining alien evolution to an Amoeba. And before any of you gun nuts get your big boy camouflage panties in a wad I am NOT talking about hunting (oh don’t worry you’ll be getting your own article in the future). Mmmm a .308 shorty belt fed machine gun to hunt the terrifying man-eating southwestern killer squirrels!

For the small-minded, mayonnaise encrusted ball sacks out there whom feel it is okay to hurt animals I have a few game shows they need to be on:

  1. Weed Eaters and Flesh – The Final Showdown
  2. Fire Ants, Honey and You
  3. Pineapples and Your Poop Chute
  4. 50 Yard Razor Wire Fun Run
  5. Chain Saw Flesh Sculpting
  6. Liquid Nitrogen Water Boarding Extravaganza
  7. Meat Suit In a Lion’s Den
  8. Medical School Pre-Death Autopsy
  9. How Far Does Skin Stretch
  10. Bleach Shot with an Ammonia Chaser Drinking Game
  11. Barefoot Lava Walk of Shame
  12. Rusty X-Acto Blades and Your Vision
  13. Anvil Dropping Idol
  14. Tesla Coil Leg Warmers
  15. 350 Gallon Deep Fryer Swim

If you are not up to the task don’t get a pet! They are not dolls or GI Joe’s with Kung Fu grip, they are gifts to be cherished and loved (and cleaned up after). And just because daddy or uncle Ted didn’t pay you enough attention (or TOO much) doesn’t mean it’s okay to take out your issues on a defenseless animal. Either go get therapy or step in front of the daily 12:05 Amtrak train!


  1. We are so happy to see an article that is specifically addresses both the male and female small minded, mayonnaise encrusted ball sacks! We hope to see these game shows up and running ASAP! What decadent fun it would be to watch!

  2. Let’s not forget the game I created for our dolphin-killing fishermen. I call it “Becoming Shark Chum: Man vs. Nature vs. Oh, Look at those Shiny Teeth!”

  3. What is Texas doing about it. Apparently, not enough. You need to catch up to California.
    Long live CA!

  4. Wow I had no idea gordo could write so well. To funny my friend.Us citizens are behind you all the way!! My new guy Rudy thanks you too!!(yes another husky from a rescue)

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