We have all seen, and unfortunately heard them – they are the unruly, the annoying, the chaff inducing, the trying too hard to make up for some inherent personality flaw. They are the garish and boisterous people who intrude on everyone around them, forcing the rest of us to master a Zen-like focus to tune them out. Which is like trying not to stare at a glowing UFO hovering over your house and firing baseball sized diamonds into your yard. Unfortunately, these people seem to think it’s okay to yell into their cell-phones, scream at the movie screen, shout at sporting events and heckle comedians. The truth is all they are really saying is “Daddy, why didn’t you love me more!

Well waaa, too bad most everyone had a crappy childhood and you don’t see the rest of the populace trying to draw attention to themselves every chance they get. What is wrong with them that they feel it’s okay to express their ridiculous opinion at the highest volume possible? No one cares about you, about your phone conversation, about your unbridled enthusiasm for someone else’s exploits, or even the fact that you love or hate a particular movie. Shut your hole and quit ruining the experience for everyone else.

It’s Friday night and you pay, hell even if you don’t, to go to a comedy show, praying for a stage without a fake brick wall, and you end up sitting near some drunk ass monkey boy who thinks he is the act. Sorry “Mr. I can’t hold my liquor” you are not the one on stage. You don’t have the talent or the courage to stand up in front of an audience and create comedy. Rather you throw out loud, obnoxious, completely non-funny quips to draw the spot light on yourself. STOP IT! We aren’t there to see you, you are a no name drunk with psychological issues you can only work out when you are loaded and crying alone in the dark. Don’t subject the whole audience to your inane slurred blathering, we don’t care, we don’t want to hear you, we don’t like you!

How about those select few individuals who feel it necessary to SCREAM on roller coasters. While I can accept that there are a few people who would scream out of shear terror I’m guessing these people don’t even bother to get on the ride in the in the first place. This leaves us with the nozzle stinks that love to scream at the top of their lungs the entire 45 second ride. This is a learned behavior, so listen here my Pavlovian canine dropping; shut your mouth, put your arms down, spit your gum out, and enjoy the ride. You don’t have the right to ruin it for everyone else. I’m sorry that you are so insecure that you must over compensate with outlandish behavior, but that is something you need to work out with your therapist, not in public!

Next up – Soccer moms, now while I have been to very few kids sporting events, every time I attend one there is inevitably some lady who thinks it’s okay to yell out “encouragements” to the kids. Listen here muffin top, your kid can’t hear you! And the fact is if they could the embarassement factor would be orbiting the planet at supersonic speed. Do you really think they want their mother on the sidelines shouting “C’mon Mustangs”, “Good Kick Billy” or the every popular “Cut the Shin”.  They do not. I realize that life didn’t turn out how you expected when you were daydreaming in 8th grade history class, but yelling isn’t going to make it any better. All it’s going to do is alienate you from the rest of society, so how about you put a bachelor sock in it and behave like an actualized adult!

The only time(s) when it is okay to be over the top Billy Mays vociferous is; to shout down members of the Westboro Baptist Church, mock and/or ridicule members of the KKK, you are in the confines of your own home (in not outside), you see some hillbilly beating a child, you have been attacked by a monster, you are driving in your car with the windows up, you magically find yourself in the octagon with Chuck Liddell or you are forced to watch open heart surgery. Other than that keep it quiet, show others the same respect you want, and watch your language around children, dill hole!

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