Showers. We all take them, we all love them, unless of course you are one of those gross people that takes a bath to get clean. Wallow in my own putrid dirty water – um not so much for me. The people I truly don’t understand are those who shower in the morning but not at night? What the what? Let me get this straight – you go out into the dirty world, touch disgusting kiosks, shake hands with people who have extremely questionable bathroom habits, possibly work out, dig for earth worms, make some delicious mud pies and THEN crawl into what should be a crisp clean bed? Nope. I shower BEFORE bedtime the way god intended.

attachmentsAnd speaking of vacuums, does it bother anyone else that the 97 attachments that we NEVER use are held in place by a .000003 millimeter rise in plastic? I think Vapula is the designer behind these constantly falling off features. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD please design them so those pesky attachments stay in place!! And why the hell are Dyson vacuums so expensive? For the amount of money they charge they should also be able to make the world’s best cappuccino, wash the windows, make the bed AND do our taxes. It’s a vacuum!

Is it just me or are boxer shorts the dumbest creation in undergarments since long johns? It’s basically like wearing a pair of gym shorts UNDERNEATH your pants. Unless you are Tobias Funke there is absolutely NO reason to wear boxer shorts. newtons_cradleUnderwear is for the sole purpose of ball support and to prevent dork callus. So by wearing boxers you are basically telling the world you have BB sized balls and thus don’t need any type of support. What is worse than boxers? The only known undergarment that is one rung lower on the undergarment ladder is not wearing any underwear at all. These people are obviously Satan worshippers and should be publically shamed ever-single day of their worthless lives! These filthy people should be sent to their own island where they can perform their own living tribute to Newton’s cradle!

Oh and another thing if you are one of the 0.0002% of the populace who still uses checks at the market, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD start filling out the check before the checker is done ringing up your groceries! I realize that some elderly people, and people named Doug, have a hard time changing their routines, that’s fine. But come on, you can start filling out the papyrus early on in the transaction so the short angry Jew in line behind you doesn’t blow a gasket. And the next time a checker makes a comment about any of my purchases I’m going to make it extremely uncomfortable for them so they cease this abhorrent practice.matzo

Checker – “Oh I see you are buying Epsom salts, is it for sore muscles?”

Me – “No. It really helps out with my hemorrhoids.”

I don’t need some stranger asking me about any of the personal items I am purchasing. It is NONE of your business! Ring up my products, don’t make ridiculous small take with the bagger and DO NOT ask me if Matzo is good! You work in a super market you boob, buy it yourself and find out!

“Heads Up”. If ever there was a saying that is due for a makeover it is this one. What is the ONE thing everyone does when we hear this proclamation? Like the Pavlovian lemmings we are, we all turn our faces skyward just to make sure that the softball re-entering the atmosphere at terminal velocity strikes us squarly in the face. Wicked_WitchOh don’t act like you are the small percentage of people who actually wraps up your precious dome with your arms. You’re not! Maybe a better saying might be “incoming”. You know when people hear that EVERYONE hits the deck and covers up like the Wicked Witch of the West in a rainstorm.

Oaky that’s enough for today, time to shower and wash away the unpleasantness that is other people.

 

2 Comments

  1. Lest you be too judgmental, keep in mind that beneath my flowing robe, I go commando… with all the planets of the universe happily dancing below.

  2. As Always……………….. YOU SLAY ME! hahahahahahahahah………breath….hahahahahahaha………snort………hahahahahahahahahahah

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