pringlesHow much do I abhor insurance companies? If you could stack the collective hatred of mankind like Pringles potato chips, dating back to our monkey ancestors it still would fall abysmally short of the seething, white hot burning sun that is my hatred of insurance companies! I am sure every single one of you has a horrific tale of tragedy and woe having to deal with these soul-sucking, slack jawed, taint jockeys.

The US is in need of a health care system that actually functions well, or at the very least – at all!! Not one controlled by the government, insurance suits, lobbyists, drug companies, doctors, or religious wankers! We live in an amazing time in history. Technology has literally transformed everyones’ lives from chimney sweeps to molecular biologists, everyone has benefited from the explosion of technology. Unless of course you are still using Explorer, a doi!

However, when it comes to our health care system it feels like we are sliding back to the dark ages. Why does ONE aspirin at the hospital cost $10? asprinI’ll tell you why; it’s this absurd Machiavellian game that doctors have to play in order to get paid $1.00 by the insurance companies. Oh don’t get me wrong, doctors need to accept some of the blame here. Not as much as the insurance companies mind you, but some. Insurance companies are NOT people! They are what Beelzebub would poop after eating four tacos laced with Escherichia Coli wrapped in a SARS burrito from a pantless street vendor in Tijuana who recently contracted Ebola from a herpes laden monkey. Now where are my leeches, it’s time for a bleeding!

Insurance companies are businesses; I get it, they need to make money. But the reality is that they are basically a casino. A casino that places a bet that you won’t get sick, and more often than not they hit 21 with a black jack. You and I pay that exorbitant bill every month hoping we don’t get sick, hit by a car, walk under a dropping anvil or slam a finger in a car door. pop_tartBut if we are in a car accident because some selfish nard nozzle thinks they can text, cook a pop-tart, read and drive with one knee, we know we have insurance to cover the bills. Think again Petunia! You know that friendly agent who calls you once a year to renew your plan? Yeah, don’t expect to EVER be able to reach them when you need their services. “OH NO, I’m sorry Mr. AngryJew your agent is currently unavailable but I will leave him a message to get back to you in a fortnight”. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

giantHome insurance, you know that ridiculous bill you pay every year but NEVER get to use! If anything breaks, goes south, gets damaged or is trampled on by a surly giant, you can bet your broken water pipe ass that it’s not covered by your home insurance. For some reason EVERYTIME you contact your agent the circumstances of the damage negates the terms of your insurance! “Oh I’m sorry Mr. AngryJew but since the damage occurred at 3:07 pm on a Tuesday while a flock of birds flew over your house we are not obligated to pay for your damage.” Do you know who runs insurance companies? Soulless individuals who from the father Cerberus and the mother, the entire contentsTitos of Pandora’s box! He he he. Has anyone seen my blood pressure medicine?

How are we ever going to stop this runaway bullet train of insurance bureaucracy? I have no idea! I really don’t. There are so many layers of incompetence, fraud, greed and unabashed Tom Foolery that to fix it would be like trying to plant an orange grove inside a volcano at the bottom of a methane ocean on Io. Mmmmm poisonous, pulpy juice… I guess all we can do is pour another drink, write yet another check and seethe with unmitigated fury.


  1. No comment on auto insurance?

  2. Hehehe! Surly giant!

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