If you also experience this problem you are probably familiar with the smile your spouse, significant other, pet fainting goat, or neighborhood peeping Tom displays as you are telling a story for the second or perhaps third or fourth time. I have come to recognize this smile and immediately know that the story I’m telling is not the crisp new shiny tale I think it is. Perhaps if I use a different inflection or cadence there is a small chance it might appear new… Note to self “change character names or places to make the story appear fresh”. You know, kind of like Hollywood does with movie scripts. Seriously how many times can they make the “Oh no we’ve switched bodies” movie? Or how many ways can they remake the “Friends with Benefits” plot? But I digress.
Luckily for me, or more accurately my wife’s amazing foresight, my wedding anniversary is on my birthday. Yes, yes, it’s true. Don’t be jealous that my wife loves me so much that she had the unselfish wherewithal to help me out by scheduling our wedding on my birthday. The downside is if I ever actually forget our anniversary I can count on sleeping in the garage for a few months – sans pillow, blanket and anything resembling a bed, cot, sleeping bag or pile of leaves!
And if my fading memory isn’t bad enough I am now using one of those daily pill containers that are color-coded with braille text on top. Oh just how delicious has my life become… My current realization is that I have become the guy I used to make fun of. Perhaps I should start wearing black knee socks, dolphin shorts, cut off t-shirts and a bedazzled head band to the gym. “Gee why are so many people taking pictures of me?” Must be they’ve never seen a middle aged guy in such great shape! Yeah, that’s it.
And furthermore what is going on with the manatee population in Florida? I’m not 100% sure but I’m fairly certain they’re numbers are dwindling due to the influx of Irish immigrants to Nova Scotia. Wait. What were we talking about? Damn it! Stupid Germanic mice keep sneaking into my house and putting saran wrap on the toilets. Ohhhh it’s just so funny, I can’t wait until I catch them in the act. Their day will come!!!!
Not that I am one to brag, BUT I just purchased a pallet of new tennis balls! No, I don’t play tennis, why? Have any of you seen the new Motorola Walker 3000? Oh it is PLUSH! It has GPS, sweet tassels, hand warmers, AM radio, rear view mirrors, optional dream catcher AND comes with an instructional DVD!