uncle_bills_front_doorI may not be the young virile man I once was, or more accurately, thought I was. But for the love of Geras do I have to start losing my memory so early! I’ve NEVER been good at remembering names but it seems these days not only can I not remember names, but I seriously cannot remember the person. For some reason I can remember that Uncle Bill had a door knob in the middle of his front door (just so odd), I can remember well written lines from movies (you know like most guys), and I can even remember which awesomely cool toy I didn’t get as a child (Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle). But tell me something you need me to do and we can both be sure it isn’t going to happen anytime soon if I don’t mark it in my calendar.Evel-Kneivel

If you also experience this problem you are probably familiar with the smile your spouse, significant other, pet fainting goat, or neighborhood peeping Tom displays as you are telling a story for the second or perhaps third or fourth time. I have come to recognize this smile and immediately know that the story I’m telling is not the crisp new shiny tale I think it is. Perhaps if I use a different inflection or cadence there is a small chance it might appear new… Note to self “change character names or places to make the story appear fresh”. You knfainting_goatow, kind of like Hollywood does with movie scripts. Seriously how many times can they make the “Oh no we’ve switched bodies” movie? Or how many ways can they remake the “Friends with Benefits” plot? But I digress.

Luckily for me, or more accurately my wife’s amazing foresight, my wedding anniversary is on my birthday. Yes, yes, it’s true. Don’t be jealous that my wife loves me so much that she had the unselfish wherewithal to help me out by scheduling our wedding on my birthday. The downside is if I ever actually forget our anniversary I can count on sleeping in the garage for a few months – sans pillow, blanket and anything resembling a bed, cot, sleeping bag or pile of leaves!

guy_dolphin_shortsAnd if my fading memory isn’t bad enough I am now using one of those daily pill containers that are color-coded with braille text on top. Oh just how delicious has my life become… My current realization is that I have become the guy I used to make fun of. Perhaps I should start wearing black knee socks, dolphin shorts, cut off t-shirts and a bedazzled head band to the gym. “Gee why are so many people taking pictures of me?” Must be they’ve never seen a middle aged guy in such great shape! Yeah, that’s it.

Irish_immigrantsAnd furthermore what is going on with the manatee population in Florida? I’m not 100% sure but I’m fairly certain they’re numbers are dwindling due to the influx of Irish immigrants to Nova Scotia. Wait. What were we talking about? Damn it! Stupid Germanic mice keep sneaking into my house and putting saran wrap on the toilets. Ohhhh it’s just so funny, I can’t wait until I catch them in the act. Their day will come!!!!

Not that I am one to brag, BUT I just purchased a pallet of new tennis balls! No, I don’t play tennis, why? Have any of you seen the new Motorola Walker 3000? Oh it is PLUSH! It has GPS, sweet tassels, hand warmers, AM radio, rear view mirrors, optional dream catcher AND comes with an instructional DVD!

So to wrap this up…”hey you damn kids get off my lawn!!!”

One Comment

  1. You can only remember that Uncle Bill had a door knob in the middle of his door because you lived in the Shire! Now go shave your feet!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>