As we all know the human race was once a hunting and gathering society, but guess what people? Those days are LONG GONE! The only things we gather now are coupons for ½ off 2% milk and perhaps ceramic figurines of goats and cherubs. Hunting is such an odd, odd, odd activity, that I simply don’t have the simian-like brain to comprehend it.goat I get it that there are times when it is vitally important to keep populations of certain species in check. I also realize that if you live in the outback and there isn’t a market within a few hundred klicks of your lean-to your life may depend on your skills as a hunter. But it seems to me that hunting for most people is just a “sport”.

Well not really a sport per se, because it’s not like they go out to the wilderness and wrestle a rhino ensconced in “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”. Nope, these nard nuggets go out in their ghilie suits with high-powered semi-automatic armor piercing guns and think they are challenging their manhood. ghillie_suit_LYeah hiding in the bush and jumping out when an animal turns its back and shooting it with 53 rounds is sport. Just as much as tipping over sleeping cows is a sport for drunken mid-western youths. “Did you say youts?”

That doesn’t impress me. You know what would impress me though? If you went to the African savannah wearing only a loin cloth, perhaps a BLUE bandana because you DO NOT want to be caught wearing red there (can you tell I used to live in CA?), and one 3-inch dull hunting knife. NOW take on that same 1500-pound rhino a-la Ron Ely and THEN I will be impressed. Until then you are nothing more than a scared little man trying to prove to himself that daddy was wrong. I’ve got $372 that says some jackals will be munching on your fleshy underbelly in about 3 minutes.ronelytarzan

Oh and before you get your camo banana hammock in a bunch, I understand that we need to cull certain animals in order to keep the species intact. I’m okay with this, but it should be set up so the animals that are taken are slaughtered and the meat is used for those in need. Sorry Honey Bo Moo you are NOT in need! Additionally for those bad asses that live off the grid in some outpost that only 86 humans have ever set eyes on, you go hunt to your hearts content! Because GOT DAMN that is a hard way to live, and you can bet your running on a treadmill inside asses that I could NOT survive in that environment. What do you mean there isn’t high-speed internet access!!!!?

Another reason why I would not survive in the wilderness, well aside from the fact that there aren’t any antelopes setting up a “Bagels-N-Such” stand, is that after you have killed your dinner of choice you have to skin it, gut it, clean it and haul it back to the cabin. Yeah that’s not going to happen any time soon. Call me Sandy and picture me wearing a pink tutu, but there is NO WAY in hell I could ever skin an animal. Not unless you wanted vomit covered bison burgers!

“Ohhh but it’s our second amendment right to carry semi-automatic rifles when hunting rabbits”. Yeah I’m not too sure the founding fathers really had that in mind when they wrote the constitution. And another thing the Constitution was written in 1787, ratified in 1788, so things aren’t really the same now as they were then Sally! Thus far there have been 27 amendments to the Constitution so it’s not like it was written in stone and passed to a Jew on a mountaintop in a foreign country. But getting back to hunting, if you NEED to eat or cull some of the heard to keep the populace healthy – have fun. But if you are doing it just for the blood lust then I suggest you have some deep seeded issues that REALLY need to addressed. Oh look at the time, I have to run, Kroger is having a special on tofu-burgers and soy fries…

3 Comments

  1. You sir, hit the nail on the head! what the hell kind of person can get some sort of ego boost out of ambushing animals that are going about their daily lives not knowing that they are being stalked and about to be shot by some depraved human-being simply for the fun of it!

  2. Shooting an animal for sport while it is peacefully grazing in the woods is akin to launching an assault grenade into a Denny’s restaurant during the early bird special. Absolutely chickenshit.

  3. I completely agree!

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