From time to time I get an email from some mucilaginous waste of human flesh that asks me why I’m so angry and can’t I write something positive. Sure I can write something positive,Darya Is A Fantastic Restaurant”. There. Feel better? On the other hand never, ever, EVER eat at The Waffle House. Unless of course you have the ability to digest deep fried razor blades wrapped in bacon fat, I cannot. My brother can attest to this fact (bastard)!

Everyone is wired differently, there are optimists, pessimists, and realists like me. I don’t understand either optimists or pessimists; I think both types of these people are covering up for something that happened in their childhood. I don’t see the glass as half full or as half empty, I see it as a glass of water that someone else drank from and thank you very much but I’ll go ahead and get my own! “Do you see the glass half full or half empty?” SHUT UP boob, don’t try to judge my psychological disposition with one moronic question!

Is it better to go through life with a positive sunny disposition? Yes, probably. But there are so few people that are truly happy. I can count on three fingers who they are. Mister Rogers is one, and let’s face the facts, this man was a MUCH better person than any of us. Do yourself a favor and read one of his biographies or watch a documentary about him. He is what the rest of us aspire to be. We will of course never be the man he was, but at least we have an example of what is possible. My only regret regarding Mister Rogers is that I never had the chance to meet him and give him a hug (mmmm Cardigan goodness). See that was positive!

Another happy thought; I am SOOOO glad my wife and I moved out of California! What a stinky prolapsed brown succubus that state has turned into. I used to love living there, people were nice, the weather was pleasant and turkey burgers were abundant. But oh how things have taken a turn for the worse. While none of us were watching California turned into the country’s trash dump. It’s where all the other states sneak off to in the middle of the night to get rid of the their top level narcissists. Seriously pick any other state (other than Oklahoma of course) and you can instantly find 263 things about it that are better than CA. What do we miss about CA? Well we do miss great sushi, good soil, cheap liquor, and… nope that’s about it. What DON’T we miss? Assholes, traffic, smog, ridiculously expensive homes, narcissistic assholes, Ed Hardy clothes, EVERYONE trying to look important on their cell phones, horrible government bureaucracy, white trash assholes, and of course Disneyland.

Why do people still live there? The ONLY reason I can think of is that most people are afraid of change. That’s it. There is nothing that any other state (once again NOT Oklahoma) in the nation doesn’t offer – cheaper, better, cleaner, and without the attitude. If you don’t believe me go to California, and take a look at all the posers. “Oh look at me I have a neck tattoo and a truckers hat” whatever chode monkey you look like a Swiss Army Knife – the ultimate TOOL! Also, the ratio of huge sunglasses to skanky jort wearing teenagers is simply off the charts. What is wrong with their parents that they think it’s okay to leave the house looking like a $3 pop tart? Stupid California.

Happy thought number 3: Coffee. Ahh the world’s perfect morning beverage, coffee is simply the BEST hot drink on the planet. Watch any serious coffee drinker when they get the first smell of coffee in the morning, it’s a salivary waterfall response to deliciousness wrapped in nirvana. Coffee is Odin’s way of saying we are important enough to him that he offers us a taste of the nectar of the gods. Has Jesus, Shiva or Mohammad done this? No they have not. All hail Odin!!! What would I do for my first cup of morning coffee? I would throw 37 Klondike bars at Jon Jones, promptly receive a horrific ass-kicking, wake up from a 4 month coma, struggle through 15 months of rehab, learn how to walk, chew, speak and poop on my own, THEN enjoy a delicious cup of morning coffee! Delicious coffee…happy…thought…

One Comment

  1. I take offense to your disparaging California. Clearly, you have forgotten that I CREATED California. Its sandy beaches, glorious mountains, and gummy bear breast implants are among my greatest achievements. I’ll forgive your shortsightedness though. But only because I make you suffer through bone-chilling winters and hot-as-what’s-his-name’s-place summers. Now THAT is a happy thought!

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