Towel on the Head Guy

vibrating-fat-beltAstonishingly I have seen this subspecies of human contrivance appearing in the gym more and more lately. What on earth is prompting these plebeian knobs to put a towel on top of their heads? They must be under the impression they are traversing across the Sahara desert using an oversized magnifying glass as an umbrella. towel_on_headThey look as if they’re a background player in a mockumentary on gymnasiums from 1956. And when the C-list director yells “action” they toe-walk around the gym looking for a vibrating band machine while reading the latest issue of Penny-Farthing monthly.

Phone Talker

The first question I want to ask these spoiled mayonnaise filled balloon loads is; “WHAT IS SO &%$#@* IMPORTANT?” You’re here to work out. NOT to irritate everyone with your absurd conversation of the EXCRUTIATING minutia of your trailer park existence. Furthermore, if you can speak on the phone while you are “working out” you are NOT training hard enough. God I want to club these puerile wankers with a bowling pin embedded with bullet ants, SARS and one evil clown!

Cross Fit Screamercrossfit

A fairly new phenomenon, well at my gym, in the Wide World of Sports is the Cross Fit enthusiast. And by enthusiast I mean ridiculously over the top zealot that makes ISIS look like members of brownie troop 38. If you haven’t seen these chiropractic’s wet dream incarnate consider yourselves lucky. Throw out everything you know about proper form and technique, add a cupful of over the top screaming coupled with a Kanye West level of self-entitlement, and you’ll have a tiny indicator of what these Gibronies are doing at the gym.

Niagara Falls Sweating Guykiddie_pool

The most disgusting person on the list, by far, has to be this person. For some strange medical reason they sweat like the flood gates of the Hoover Dam have been opened after a Noah level forty-day typhoon. I get that everyone sweats at the gym, except for the phone talker of course. But these people have this bizarre condition that literally transforms them into a human version of the Trevi Fountain. I could deal with this if they cleaned up the kiddie size pool levels of water that oozes from them like a semi-truck running over a Prius sized soaked sponge. But for some reason they don’t feel it’s necessary to mop up the copious amounts of liquid human they leave behind. GROSS!

beatsBeats Head Phones D-Bag

Hollow out two potatoes and cram $1.99 Chinese knock off ear buds in your ears and they will sound MUCH MUCH better than Beats. The ONLY reason people wear Beats is to show the world that they are hip with today’s fellow kids. You know the same kids who can’t actually afford to buy a pair of Beats. If you’ve never tried on a pair let me try to explain how they feel…imagine placing two oddly sized strawberries over your ears while a midget-wearing cowboy boots does a tap dance to Sheena is a Punk Rocker on your head. Sort of like that.how-do-you-do-fellow-kids

The Karaoke Singer

This abhorrent person, when encountered, rivals the irritation factor of the aforementioned Phone Talker. These megalomaniac clown peckers feel an innate need to belt out the horrible song they are currently listening to at volume 11. No one cares you are listening to the latest One Direction masterpiece of symphonic harmony that utilizes a juice harp, two Vuvuzela horns and a cowbell. Stop assuming you are the center of the universe, you aren’t. Shut your yapper!

Severe Case of Latitist

This medical anomaly has been baffling doctors for generations, these are the pompous sphincter biscuits who sashay around the gym with their arms at a 53° angle from their torsos. I’m not a 100% sure why they are under the misguided perception that their Latissimus dorsi muscles are so overly developed that there is no physical way they can have their arms rest against their sides. Unless you are the Hulk or Ronnie Coleman PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN you look ridiculous!!

Miscellaneous Gym Knobs

  • Dressed to the Nines Lonely Housewife
  • What? I think my Skinny 8 Year Old Brother’s Clothes Fit Fine.
  • I Wear My Sunglasses Inside Petulant Taffy Tard
  • Eye-Bleeding Neon Colored Outfit Wearing Trend Following “Individual”
  • Staring in The Mirror Narcissistic Pretentious Butt Canoes
  • “I JUST Smoked a Cigarette” Stinky Crotch Rocket
  • Water Jug Totting Super Hydrated Elitist Turd Waffle
  • I’m Still Wearing My Cycling Shoes Insecure Olive Loaf

talkerAnd as a special gift to my millions of followers I would like to offer you the rare and hopefully NEVER duplicated holy trinity of self-entitled pickle puds. What we have here is someone who wears sunglasses inside, dons brightly colored beats headphones AND speaks on her phone for her entire “workout” EVERYTIME! Does she use an inside voice while carrying on her insipid phone calls? No, no she does not. Does she sit on equipment while NOT using it so she can talk on her phone? Yes, yes she does. I want nothing more than to wish her to the cornfield, but tomorrow…tomorrow’s gonna be a… real “good day!” Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.

One Comment

  1. My dear St. James, my red-faced, horned-headed “friend” tells me there is an easy way to avoid all these undesirables: don’t go to the gym. I’m not so sure he is the best role model, though. After all, he’s a chain-smoking, Cheetos-hoarding, disgustingly fat bastard.

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