First let me say that while I obviously have strong opinions about most things in life there are a few areas where I shouldn’t have to comment. How to behave when you are at the gym is most assuredly one of them, but surprise, surprise it turns out this is a topic that is in need of as much attention as the 15th and 16th children of the Dugger family!

First and foremost people “GET OFF YOUR GOD DAMN CELL PHONE”! I cannot stress this point strongly enough. You are simply not that important or interesting. No one else cares to hear your conversation, we are not impressed that you own a cell phone, and for the love of god, have you never heard of using your “inside voice”? Every gym, theater, restaurant, airplane, coffee shop, grocery store, video rental, public restroom, bakery, pet store, and convent should be outfitted with anti-cell phone technology. If something is so pressing to you then wait at home for your all-important call from Jesus Christ himself – you friggin douche bag!

Moving on to my next bone of contention at the gym – “PUT YOUR FUCKING WEIGHTS AWAY!” Listen here “Arnold”, if you are such a tough guy as to stack up 12 45lb plates on the leg press machine, and crank out your 1 rep (halfway), then please show some courtesy and put them back where you found them. Not everyone at the gym is trying to impress the fake blonde with the ridiculously oversized boobs and bacteria laden stripper fingernails. Some of us, shockingly, are there to “work out”. I realize this is a foreign idea to you, but try to understand. We go to the gym to get and/or stay in shape. We are not there to pick up after you, nor are we there to get half our work out in by stripping off your weights.

Next, and this one seems to have cropped up in the last few years or so, is the person who oddly enough doesn’t seem to have any mirrors in their home. I cannot for the life of me understand how you can leave the house wearing that silly looking Lycra outfit. Granted, I’m sure it was expensive, but do we really need to see every flap and fold, every cheese dimple, every camel toe and every Cornish game hen? I say no. If I want to see cottage cheese I will go to the refrigerator! If I am in the mood for a muffin top I will go to Starbucks. There is no reason for you to wear shirt or shorts that could fit a 5-year-old starving African child. The gym is not equipped with barf bags; please go to target and pick up a mirror so you realize what the rest of us of have to see.

Let me now speak directly to the “sweater”, and you know who you are. We all sweat, well most of us – of course the aforementioned douche nozzle who is blabbing on the phone while doing cardio surely isn’t. And, luckily, most of us have a towel to wipe up any sweaty remnants we may have left behind. This is normal. No, I am referring to the person who for whatever medical reason, sweats profusely the entire time they are at the gym. You’ve seen them; they literally drip buckets of water off of their bodies like torrential downpour in the Amazon Rain Forest. It’s like the floodgates of Niagara Falls are set open to maximum pressure, and let’s face it – you know there is a smell! I’m thinking that instead of bringing a moist towelette to wipe down the machinery an oversized beach blanket might be more in order. Even if you have to wrap yourself up like a woman wearing a burka in Iran, I don’t care. Do it, and save the rest of us the nauseating experience of seeing a sweat puddle with its own tidal pool on the one bench that happens to be open!

Which brings me to my last point, and yes this one is directed at one particular corn hole at my gym. She is a 50+ something, Orange County poser, trying too hard to hang on to her youth butt plug that irritates the living hell out me. Not only does she have to speak, or should I say YELL, with her fellow cronies across the gym (as if anyone cares what she has to say). But, and I have heard her say this next statement at least five times to date, she has to announce to her friends that she is listening to “Snoop”. Could you be a bigger white suburban Starfish Wrinkle! You are not “street”, you are not cool, you are not young, you are not pretty, you are simply annoying and distasteful. Please try not to draw attention to yourself by acting like something you are not. So go back to your house and practice your disco dance moves, because the EARLY 70’s is the last time you were young enough to dip your scaly toes in the waters of youth!

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