Gun control, abortion rights, mustache waxing, and gay marriage – topics politicians LOVE to bring up when they want to appeal to the knee-jerk voting public. Why is it that people get so riled up over these issues when they have absolutely nothing to do with their daily lives? Unless of course you’ve been mugged at gunpoint on your way to a lesbian wedding and they stole your wallet, watch, iPhone, mustache comb and of course your gift certificate for one free abortion. Damn criminal hippies!

Guns have always been a way of life in this country; personally I’m not really a gun guy. Well, yes I do have a few paintball guns and an AWESOME fully automatic BB gun. But those don’t really count since I can’t actually dismember or kill anyone with them. Unless of course Ralphie happens to walk by and I shoot his eye out! I shot a gun once in my life; it didn’t really do anything for me. However, if I had the chance to shoot a military sniper rifle, a 50 caliber machine gun, The Paris Gun, or even the awesome Ronco Spud Shooter – I WOULD!

Do people NEED to own a gun these days? No, not really. Kroger carries all the delicious food you will ever need. But if people want to own a gun(s) and they aren’t a bat shit crazy constitutionalist living in a compound, a baggy pants show your ass gang-banger, a skinny jean wearing felon, an alcoholic with Hepatitis C, or a wack-a-do religious nut, then knock yourself out and buy a gun. Guns aren’t evil anymore than a car is evil when misused by a habitual drunk who loves doing Goldschlager shots with vodka and tonic. Both a gun and a car are safe when in the hands of responsible people, and BOTH are deadly when in the hands of someone whom should be sterilized with a chain saw. In the hand of a professional, a Yo-Yo could be used to kill someone. Should we outlaw Yo-Yos? Well maybe those ones that light up and cause seizures – damn those blinking lights!

Since the days when ridiculous hat-wearing pilgrims came here and started killing Indians with a Blunderbuss and infected blankets there have literally been millions of guns in the homes of responsible Americans. Statistically speaking the number of people killed and/or shot is EXTREMELY low when compared to the total number of guns owned (not counting wars of course).

If we were to believe the anti-gun lobby you would think there are thousands of shootings every day. But the fact is there simply aren’t. Sure people are killed, innocent lives are lost, children are terrified, and unfortunately rabbits are taken for their tasty magic feet. Are these horrific tragedies? You bet your ass they are! But should we punish the responsible gun owners for the acts of the “should have been aborted”? No, no we shouldn’t.

What we should do is punish those who are convicted of violent crimes with tougher penalties and perhaps some light torture. Sorry drum circle non-tax payers, but rehabilitation DOESN’T work! Sometimes you can’t fix broken (just ask Humpty). We may not be able to fix these monsters but we sure as hell can eliminate them! And don’t bother bringing up those Kumbaya funded studies that say corporal punishment is NOT a deterrent. That is just a load of Rhesus monkey throwing crap!

If people know they will be horrifically tortured and/or killed for their actions you can bet your sweet Mandle wearing asses they will think twice before committing their violent crime of choice. And if they do commit a violent crime, well… enjoy your time with Karen the hungry anaconda.


  1. You make it sound like so much fun that I want to go out and shoot up the entire human race — one at a time. With thunderbolts. Out of my ass.

  2. I may want a gun when a criminal has entered my house and is threatening my family, but I don’t need it because I can negotiate a peaceful resolution while I call 911 and wait for the police.

    • I’d hate to tell you that a criminal is not going to talk it out it takes 10 to 15 min for police responce it takes 1 second to pull a trigger i dont understand why people dont beleave in guns if it wasnt for guns we would be speaking british if it wasnt for guns we would still have slaves america is a democrocy we can beleave in what we want thank god its america

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