Before you complain to your local, national or oil derrick branch of the LGBT – “I don’t care that you are gay”. I don’t care, my wife doesn’t care, our dogs don’t care, and I’m pretty sure the chubby squirrel in the backyard (his name is CS Lewis) doesn’t care. But I’ll reserve judgment on him because he IS a racist. Stupid squirrel! It’s true, most people simply don’t care what you do, with whom you do it or where you want to put it. Although surprisingly, some evangelic republicans who claim to want smaller government do want new laws to prevent some people from getting married. Weird.

Let me tell you what I AM sick of – the over the top gay, absurdly affected voice, purple boa wearing, celebrity commenting TV talk show hosts. We get it, you’re gay, but for the love of God why do you have to act so gay that even Liberace would bitch slap you and take your lunch money?Tim Gunn

Seriously I am so tired of seeing these “guys” on TV talking about a FABULOUS crème-brule, how chic the color ocean mist blue is, or asking some over paid actress “who are you wearing?” And what the HELL is up with your voice? Why are speaking like you just free-based 2oz. of pure, uncut Columbian estrogen through a progesterone soaked tampon? There is absolutely no reason to speak like that. If you have some psychological need to let the world know you are gay, fine, mention that your boyfriend’s name is Bruce or wear a rainbow t-shirt with a Care Bear riding a golden unicorn in a field of vibrating dildos!

The past few years we have seen the regrettable proliferation of shows with the tsunami level deluge of “I can out-gay anyone” hosts, contestants, celebrity chefs, professional popcorn makers, and of course red carpet leeches. What did your family do to you that causes you to act like a KKK-drawn cartoon character of a gay person? Are you trying to strike back at your overbearing father who made you wear flannel to your high school prom? You know what, I don’t care what the reason is; the world shouldn’t have to suffer with your supernova level heat flaming gayness because dear old dad was a tool of astronomical proportions.

Here are a few items to avoid, at any cost, crossing over to the XX chromosome pairing:

  • Ridiculously oversized sunglasses
  • Tipped hair, any color – especially blue
  • An ascot
  • Denim cowboy hats
  • Owning more than zero Liza Minnelli albums
  • Wearing a Speedo
  • Thumb rings
  • Sculpted eyebrows
  • Thpeaking with a listhp

Paul LyndeLook I’m not saying every guy has to act like Charles Bronson.  I’m just saying try being your own person, not some made up caricature that makes Paul Lynde think, “WOW, that guy is gay!”  I get that it’s, unfortunately, still really tough growing up gay in America, and you probably had to hide your feelings for a long time. But you don’t have to swing the pendulum so unbelievably far in the opposite direction. Don’t wear your sexuality on your sleeve 24 hours a day because that becomes what defines your identity NOT the person you really are.

One Comment

  1. Not another word against the denim cowboy hat! Or the thumbrings!

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