3:06 p.m., time again to berate the plethora of desolate entities that post daily updates regarding the infinitesimal mundane details of their empty lives. I realize I have discussed this soul-crushing irritant before, but it seems to have gotten worse since then. I didn’t think it was possible, but alas I was wrong. And I do not like being wrong! For the sanity of the entire world at large – I beg of you STOP POSTING UPDATES!!!!!!!

Why are people posting horrific things such as: “we are blessed”? Do they not see the Brobdingnagian arrogance in this statement? If you think you are truly blessed by an almighty creator because you have a beautiful home, annoying children, a high end SUV, bottled water and NIKE socks, you are an unbelievably self-centered bag of dicks! Do you really think your god has chosen to favor you over others who for some reason don’t deserve his attention? Really? You think YOU are blessed – but a child who suffers with an abusive stepfather is ignored so you can drive a shiny car? Perhaps a woman is struck down with a brain tumor while you post insulting comments how god has engendered you with preferential treatment. You fucking egotistical narcissist! You heard me; I am so tired of hearing how god has blessed your family. You know what he hasn’t! There is no hand of god! However, if by a Planck length god did have something to do with you having pretty painted toe nails – I say FUCK HIM and fuck you too! Show some goddamn humility you fecal encrusted ass clown!

“In with the good – out with the bad”, “In with the good – out with the bad”

But I digress. I forgot we were discussing your unbelievably benign (benign and a half) posts on The TwitterFace. “Oh look here are me and my friends enjoying a glass of Chablis” while taking annoying pictures and make a stupid duck face. How are you enjoying these supposed friendships when you are more concerned with posting this pedantic event? And another thing stop commenting on your friends pictures that they are “Such A Beautiful family. ” It’s trite. They aren’t beautiful because they are all wearing matching clothes like a pre-pubescent boy band. It’s a forced picture of a family trying to show unity when really all the picture displays is just how uncomfortable they are in their ridiculously overpriced outfits.

You may find this surprising – but I find the painfully obvious over-the-top optimism to be a shallow façade for the true empty feelings that dwell just below the surface. “Best Night Ever!” Going out for a drink with your friends is the best night you ever had? If this is true you are a shallow empty carcass of a human being. And what makes you think people want to know you are going on or coming back from vacation? “Oh look here I am pool side”. Say here’s a novel idea pay attention to your stupid kids because they are probably annoying someone with their ear drum busting shrill screaming! How do you NOT hear that?

And speaking of your sticky progeny, you don’t have to post pictures of them participating in daily activities that would make Normal Rockwell say “nope too boring to paint”! The pictures are for you to enjoy many, many years down the road when the kids are in therapy and you are arguing with your 3rd spouse who ironically enough looks exactly like your first. Your children are embarrassed by the photos, your spouse doesn’t care, and your friends feel nothing but obligation to post droll comments such as: “looking good kiddo”, “awww isn’t she special”, “wow she could be a model” or the ever popular “keep on truckin”. The only ones who enjoy the wildly inappropriate postings of your children are the sicko pedophiles who cruise the internet looking for shallow parents who post exploit pictures of their own children. The only difference between what you are doing and what those horrific train wrecks that call themselves mothers on Toddlers and Tiaras are doing, is that they are on TV and you are on Facebook. That’s it!

If you have to post public updates of your life in order to feel relevant it might be time to take stock of where you are in the grand scheme of things. The fact that you need others to see the details of your existence should be the first and last sign you need to realize you are in some serious trouble. Why not just stand on the street corner and yell to the world “someone love me”! There is a HUGE hole in your psychological makeup if you have to garner accolades from the faceless public. Stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW and rush down to the local community college and ask the Psych 101 class for some help! Now let me tell you about this flying dream I recently had…


  1. I am God, and I approve this message.

  2. Enjoy the abyss. “Pineapple for one, and don’t forget to tell that Tribe member that we don’t have Afrin down here!”

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