There are many, many people in this country who own wild and exotic animals, and by wild and exotic I mean dangerous and deadly. They keep them as pets and foolishly think they have formed a spiritual connection with them. Yes Cletus I’m sure you and the 15-foot reticulated python have a bond that transcends his peanut sized reptilian brain. Your snake somehow has the ability to put aside millions of years of evolution that has honed him into the perfect killing machine so he can bond with you in your doublewide trailer! The truth is that snake would like nothing more than to escape from the duct-taped make shift cage you built from a stolen park bench and wrap itself around you like a cigar from the hands of Jose Castelar Cairo himself!

Oh and guess what Skeeter? No one cares if Kaa breaks the bonds of his cage and takes you out, we really don’t. We do, however, care if he gets out and kills a child, a real pet, your wife, a potbelly pig, an innocent Members Only jacket, or god forbid a G.I. Joe with Kung Fu grip!

And surprisingly worse than the weird creepy snake owner is the completely misguided crusty breadstick who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to have a wild cat in the house. Ranging from a cougar (no not an over the hill used-to-be attractive housewife with shrimp cocktail French manicured toenails, bile rising…), a panther, a liger and even an African lion. Yes a 500 lb. African lion for god sake! And if you think I’m exaggerating, do a little research and find out for yourself just how many of these mentally deficient individuals are out there. How unbelievably selfish are they to think it’s okay to lock up an animal that normally patrols a few hundred kilometers as his territory? “Oh but I love Kimba with all my heart and he loves me back”. If you really think he loves you the same way you love him spend some time in his cage without a gun. 10 minutes later and its Budweiser infused Cletus-Chops for the entire pride!

Let’s take to the air junior birdmen, while most birds may not be very dangerous or even deadly, except of course if you happen to have a pet pterodactyl, an East Peruvian killing Shrew, or the knife wielding Australian emu, they should NEVER be kept as pets. Think about it, what is the ONE thing birds can do that we ALL wish we could do? Yes FLY! And what is the very first thing most people do when they get a bird? Clips its wings and put it in a 1.25 cubic foot cage. It’s like getting a dog and removing its legs so it won’t run away from you. You sick bastard! Owning birds as pets should be illegal, I cannot understand why anyone who has a singular salt grain of compassion can possibly think it’s okay to lock a bird in cage.

On up the evolutionary ladder we climb to the primates, no I’m not talking about keeping a cute Lilliputian in a habitrail. I’m speaking of course, about the dullards who seem to think it’s a good idea to own a monkey, chimpanzee, a bonobo, or even a lowland gorilla. Have we learned nothing from The Planet of the Apes, Hail Caesar! They may be extraordinarily cute when they are babies, and they may have piercing blue intelligent eyes that look directly into your little black soul. But when they reach maturity and they have uncontrollable RAGING hormones that dictate they gnaw off your face and pound your body to a pulpy mess. I hope the last thought you have is “Uh oh, I’ve made a huge mistake”. Yes. Yes you have!

Even though we have the ability to capture and keep wild animals in horrific enclosures – it is NOT acceptable. It should be illegal to keep them as pets, to purchase them, to sell them and especially to capture them. It is an unconscionable act that is unforgiveable. As the current preeminent species on the planet it is incumbent upon us to protect and keep safe every animal that doesn’t have the aptitude or opposable thumbs to shop at the Piggly Wiggly.

16 Comments

  1. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha……………….. love your humor and concur completely!

  2. But the crocodile just followed me home one day! My wife loves it…….

  3. Of all my creations, man is the one that needs to be caged. At least the dumb ones.

  4. Your sense of humor is almost as sharp as your vast knowledge of exotics and biology. *cough*

    • Aaron, I’m really concerned about that cough it sounds bad. I hope you haven’t contracted H5N1; you need to go see a doctor as soon as possible! Keep me posted.

  5. i really hope all of that is sarcasm, because its incredibly misinformed….

    • Laura, an ellipsis uses three periods not four. Mmmm grammar…

      • mmm ignorance

        • Laura, you should always start a sentence with a capital letter. There are a large number of web sites that specialize in ESL, I would be more than happy to help you find one that suites your needs. Just let me know!

          • AJ, grammar has nothing to do with education about any other subject, including this one, which is about animals. You obviously have NO clue about any of these animals, and possibly just hate ALL animals. You have no right to attack those you dont understand. I’d think you’d understand that, being a JEW.

  6. I doubt you will print this comment, but I had to share it with you…

    I will respond to this article point by point, as the author obviously has no clue as to his subject matter. If this was meant to be satire…you failed. This is nothing but an animal-haters rant.

    REPTILE KEEPING (Herpetoculture)
    Keeping reptiles is not any creepier than owning a dog. Just because YOU don’t like it…
    1) Its RETICULATED PYTHON, not RETICULATING. Can’t even get the species name right!
    2) Reticulated pythons are known to be one of the SMARTEST snake species alive. They have bonds with their owners that are unrivaled. However, no, they are not the same kind of bond that as mammals, we humans tend to form with other mammals. Different is absolutely not better or worse.
    3) ALL responsible reptile keepers have escape proof cages. These can be downright incredibly beautiful (and thousands of dollars)! Anyone who keeps a reptile in a cage using duct tape is NOT somebody being a good keeper…that is the equivalent of a irresponsible dog owner…Bad keepers exist in any category and they are always the minority.
    4) There have been so few reptile related deaths that stating a loose snake would love to eat a person is SO ignorant! Even in India, where Reticulated Pythons live, people and python live in peace! Snakes would rather hide than go on some crazy attack spree…Humans are NOT their natural prey, and never will be targeted as such!
    *5) Really? “Real pet”? What do are you referring to? I’ll address this later…

    LARGE FELINES

    1) There are so many other species that are considered exotic that are NOT lions, cougars, or “panthers”.
    2) Its funny you state that it is cruel to keep a wild animal meant to roam miles of territory in a cage, while dogs are mutated wolves, and so many breeds are still meant to roam that way! Do you support having dogs as pets? I can guarantee there are more shitty dog owners than exotic cat owners!

    AVIANS
    First of all…Emu can’t fly…are you also under the impression that penguins can?
    1)I certainly can’t speak about owning avians, as I never have. However, there are many reasons birds learned to fly, including predator evasion and food discovery…both of these factors are removed in captivity. Good bird owners provide lots of space, and mental and physical stimulation. I have a few bird owning friends, and these birds certainly dont seem to be lacking!

    PRIMATES

    1) I have never, nor will I ever, own a primate of any kind. That being said…there are many many primate owners who have huge rooms dedicated to providing great stimulating environments, better than most zoos, and those creatures get amazing care from people with more expertise than many zookeepers! Don’t believe me? Look up how many animals die at zoos from stupid preventable reasons! However, again, there are people who have no business trying to own a primate! Bad owners ARE everywhere!

    To conclude: You state that you believe that no wild animals should be illegal to own, buy, sell, etc. Well guess what!? Almost all animals, especially exotics, are bred in captivity. In fact, there have been many species that have been SAVED FROM EXTINCTION FROM CAPTIVE POPULATIONS AND PROPAGATION!!!! Yes, you read that right. So, in fact, in this time of rapidly dwindling habitat for all those wild creatures, people should be SUPPORTING captive propogation!

    *You stated earlier that you support non-exotic pets. So…does this mean cats and dogs? Because cats are felines who have all the requirements of wild cats, just smaller…so many people have destructive or violent cats, because their needs are not being met, not even remotely. Dogs? See above.

    The amazing thing to me is that so many people have “traditional” pets, (including myself, I own many exotics, inculding reptiles, a hedgehog, a cat, and a dog), but have the gall to insult us exotics owners!

    Cats are the NUMBER 1 invasive species!! Ferals, indoor/outdoor…ANY CAT allowed to go outside is out brutally killing/maiming the local wildlife. Its just their nature. BTW, the invasive populations of reptiles in FL is due to a hurricane destroying a large facility…not because people were releasing them…

    The real issue that you should be taking issue with is the fact that there are millions of dogs and cats out there being murdered in shelters because morons can’t stop breeding them, and yet other morons refuse to spay/neuter their dogs. The animals owners that I personally hate? The men who tie their dogs balls to their own sexuality and refuse to neuter, and the women who feel like their dogs will be sad that they couldn’t have kids, just like them.

    • Anon(ymous),

      While I appreciate your attempt to make salient points regarding the practice of exotic animals as pets the fact is your reasoning is specious and based purely on personal opinion(s).

      I do agree with a few of your points regarding kill shelters and some dog/cat owners, however most of your arguments are a lesson in skewed logic, e.g., you say that zoos kill a number of primates which is true. But you don’t address the fact of the disdainful practice of private ownership of primates. There is NO way you can defend primates being kept in cages over living their lives in the wild, and if you do you are only doing so to justify an abhorrent practice that holds a mirror to your own.

      No matter how nice the fake environment is for most of these exotic animals it is a still a cage. And yes some species have been saved from extinction through captive breeding, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to capture and keep any other animal you want and use extinction as an excuse for your selfishness.

      Had you read ANY of my other articles regarding animal cruelty you would have known my attitude towards it instead of assuming what I think, and you know what happens when we assume!

      Finally two last points; proper grammar has EVERYTHING to do with being educated, should we try communicating with Pidgin, Ebonics, Spanglish or even Klingon? Second, thank you for pointing out my oversight on Reticulating versus Reticulated. Do you see the irony there? You got your tighty whiteys in a bunch because I used the wrong word and then preceded to tell me grammar has nothing to do with education, I guess it has nothing to do with it when it applies to you but not others.

  7. Dear Angry Jew,

    I was quite amused and disgusted to read your words. The only thing I can say is that you need to get over yourself! And this is coming from an askanangryjew fan :(

    • Which part of this article were you disgusted by? The part where people keep wild animals as pets or perhaps the part where birds are kept in cages? I too hate to see birds flying free but there are simply too many of them in the world for us to capture them all.

      • Oh goodness, you remind me of a friend of mine who strangely also happens to Jewish. I will say I don’t agree with all of what you said, but I enjoyed the article none the less. Please remember that there are exceptions to almost everything. There are times when the animal would not be able to live in the wild weather its due to injury or lack of habitat. I do not think generalizing everything was the wisest of decisions made.

  8. This is one awesome article.Thanks Again. Will read on…

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