I very much enjoy going out to a nice a dinner for fine food, good drinks, and if lucky good conversation that isn’t about the weather. Am I that different than anyone else who goes out for a meal? I think not. I’ll even go so far as to say that the completely oblivious parents who feel it is necessary to bring their out of control children feel the same way. Hell, I bet the foursome who think it is okay to discuss the local high school football teams statistics using voices that can only be measured with an ear bleeding decibel gauge, feel the same way. Do these denizens of an obtrusive society bother me when I am spending $26.99 for over cooked chicken and sad looking vegetables that even Sally Struthers’ children would not eat? Um, well yes they do. But not nearly as much as poor service does!

It used to be that people working in the “SERVICE” industry provide just that – service. I fear those days might be behind us, and I weep. Have you ever been to a restaurant that seats you in what can be considered an appropriate amount of time, to then be ignored by the slouching-patchouli-smelling-spoiled-shit of a waiter! I’m sure you have. Don’t you just want to rip that vermin laden soul patch off of his stupid smug face! Lord knows I do. Really, is being a polite waiter or waitress that difficult? In a nutshell here is your job:

  • Smile and say hello
  • Take the drink order and bring them over in less than 15 minutes
  • Tell us the specials of the day
  • Take our order
  • Bring the food without spitting in it
  • See if we want more drinks, we do!
  • Clear the table
  • Make 15% to 30% of the total bill

That’s it! How hard is this, I’ll tell you how hard it is… IT’S NOT! So listen here Gilligan wipe that stupid dour look off of your face and be happy you are not working at Der Wienerschnitzel or empting out septic tanks at the redneck games on free chili day! Your problem is that mommy and daddy have given you way too much without an inkling of the value of these gifts. You do not deserve the latest iPhone, a brand new car, $300 dollar ripped jeans, a stupid Justin Bieber $437 haircut, or even your own computer in the 5th grade. You should, however, have to do chores, cut lawns, babysit, deliver newspapers, be a drug mule, donate blood, or even rub an old lady’s corn encrusted dried cracked feet for those things, they are privileges not rights! And guess what you slack-jawed-yokel you are going to be a terrible failure in life because no one will hire you at your expected $100k a year to work three days a week at the Oompa Loompa Fake-N-Bake!

So do yourself a favor there king of the cheese monkeys, shave off that asinine looking peach fuzz, wash the flake encrusted gel out of your hair, take out the bacteria filled face jewelry, open your mouth when you speak, act like you are happy to be working, wash your disgusting dirty fingernails and get back to work. Oh and if it’s not too much of an effort – smile!

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