If you know me you may think I don’t enjoy the holidays due to my realistic, yet dim, view of the world at large, but in fact you would be wrong. I do enjoy the holidays, ALL the holidays not just the Pagan ones! Although I must confess Groundhog day holds no special meaning for me whatsoever, I could care less if some rodent sees his shadow or not. Hey at least it’s not an opossum, what with their disgusting rat like tails. Bleh!

Before I begin in earnest why I like the holidays, let me just say that for ME I need them to be calm, quiet, and most importantly – stress-free. This is somewhat anathema to most, if not all, family holiday celebrations. I HATE to travel during the holidays due to the overwhelming surge of gross and sticky humanity that fills the highways, the bus depots, airports, the Appalachian Trail, and of course the South West Face Central Couloir trail up Mount Everest. Is there anything worse than sitting on a plane when some greasy, adult acne riddled, too much perfume, UGG boot-wearing troglodyte sits next to you with a huge bag of Taco Bell food? Welcome to the Vomitorium!

Okay with that rant out of the way (oh don’t worry there’s more to come) I very much do enjoy Thanksgiving at MY house. My wife, unlike me, is very sweet (and oddly enough actually shines when she smiles). She is, by far, the best hostess I have ever met. We have had as many as twenty people and as few as two for Thanksgiving dinner, and with either amount she puts on the BEST dinner around – bar none!

The greatest thing about having a holiday celebration at your house is that you get to choose the guest list. Should you want to NOT include the drunken dill hole of an uncle whom is going to drink WAY too much and then prattle on about how bad his childhood was, well guess what? You don’t have to! Hurt feelings, sure, but you know what, who cares?! And the greatest thing about having Thanksgiving at your house is the next day when you get to make THE BEST sandwich of the year. Seriously how good is that first sandwich the day after Thanksgiving?!!!!

Christmas, mmmm the mother of all holidays. Before anyone gets their stockings (David socks) in a bunch, let me tell you that it is okay to say “Merry Christmas”. We took a vote at the last meeting and guess what, we Jews don’t care. It doesn’t bother us one bit, so wish anyone and everyone you want a Merry Christmas. Honestly,Christmas is a universal holiday for everyone to enjoy, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Canadians, Eskimos, and even Lilliputians! It’s not like it’s a religious holiday, it isn’t. Any biblical scholar will tell you that ol JC was born in June or July, and the only reason they moved his birthday to December was to capitalize on the Pagan celebration of the winter solstice. Boom goes the dynamite!

Christmas should be enjoyed with snow falling in big fluffy flakes, a tastefully decorated tree (with absolutely NO tinsel or flocking), wonderfully aromatic candles, and of course plenty of booze to dull the influx of auditory input that borders on a decibel level equal to that of a Who concert. Surprisingly I do enjoy watching children open their presents with wide-eyed wonder and glee that is simply unrivaled, and sadly unseen, for the rest of their lives. I can do without Christmas music though, I know, I know it’s tradition but GOD if I hear those same worn out carols one more time I’m going to water board myself to escape the pain! Who says we can’t play other types of music that are more soothing and far more enjoyable than hearing another chorus of Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer!

And speaking of Rudolph why is it that Hermey wanted to be a dentist? What the Hell? Is he some sort of sado-masochistic elf who wanted to inflict pain on his fellow candy eating elves? Odd little man, I say they should stick his psychotic ass on the Island of Misfit toys and let King Moonracer take care of him, I’m sure that winged lion loves the taste of elf. And yes they do taste like chicken!


  1. You are truly One Angry Jew…but I love your rants.

    Have a very Happy HOLIDAY.

  2. I would strike you down with a lightning bolt, but I enjoy your opinions too much. Boom goes the dynamite!

  3. happy ground hogs day, from atop my 3 time all american perch, and I don’t slap on ground hogs day

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