Cell phones are one of the greatest inventions since the slinky, pajama jeans, talking wall fish, spray on hair, and almost certainly, necktie flasks. Now, while cell phones are truly amazing pieces of modern technology, unfortunately for us, people are terrible and there aren’t any rules that come with the purchase of your shiny, new car smelling, phone. Gym_phoneWell despair no more my minions; I have come up with seventeen laws of cell phone usage. If you don’t agree with me on ANY of these, YOU are the person that everyone wants to knuckle throat punch!

Now before I present to you this list of laws, I want you to put aside your pre-conceived notion that you are different than everyone else and don’t annoy others with your cell phone usage. You’re wrong – you do! We are all rowing in the same public cell phone raft using cooked spaghetti as paddles as we desperately try to get upstream on a class 5 rapid.

The Seventeen Laws of Cellphone Usage:walking_cellphone

  1. No cell phone usage when driving
  2. No cell texting when walking
  3. No cell phone usage at the gym
  4. No cell phone usage in a movie theater
  5. No cell phone usage at the dinner table
  6. No cell phone usage if you don’t have an “inside voice”
  7. No cell phones at the market unless you are reading the list your wife sent
  8. No cell phones for anyone under 18
  9. No cell phones in any restaurant
  10. No cell phones at any sporting event
  11. No cell phones while operating a bicyclebluetooth-headset
  12. No cell phone usage near me
  13. No cell phone usage if your name is Nabil
  14. No cell phone ownership if you have ever said “YOLO”
  15. No cell phone ring tones that exceed 10dB
  16. No one can hold a cell phone like a walkie-talkie
  17. When not in use, blue-tooth headsets must be removed

I’m sure you have noticed that most of the items on the list above are public avenues. In a perfect world we shouldn’t have to create a list of cell phone laws, if only people would behave with the slightest modicum of decorum. Unfortunately though, this problem is now endemic in our society, why? Well because most people now have egos that make the Burj Khalifa look like a toothpick in the hands of Yao Ming. People that break the aforementioned laws simply do not care that they are disrupting the 43 people in their general proximity.isaac-asimov

I realize these laws are not as clean as the Three Laws of Robotics, but then again, I’m not Issac Assimov! It would be wonderful if we didn’t have to create more laws because people are so self-centered, but they are, so c’est la vie!

Now let’s get to the penalty aspect for breaking any one of the seventeen laws:

  1. First offense – $100 fine
  2. Second offense – $250 fine and 30-day loss of phone
  3. Third offense – $1,000 fine, 1-year loss of phone and you have to pick up trash along a freeway frequented by truckers
  4. Fourth offense – $2,500 fine, 5-year loss of phone and you have to pick up discarded cigarette butts equaling 100 lbs.
  5. Fifth offense – $10,000 fine, lifetime loss of phone, must have thumbs removed AND you must live in a group home for aging mimes that have found Jesus.

Thumb-RingAny offense past the fifth will result in prison time, and not a cushy white-collar jail, oh no, you will go to a hardcore, don’t drop the soap, oh you are definitely going to get shived, PRISON! If you do get caught using a cell phone during your “loss” time you will automatically be upgraded to the next offense level. I realize some of you ACLU loving, dream catcher using, jade jewelry adorned, thumb ring wearing ass hats won’t like these laws. So perhaps we should start forcing people to do the right thing before the ever-expanding government has to step in and act like your terrible absentee parents should have!


  1. Love it Brah!

  2. I agree with all but one, poor Nabil I thought he was your friend.
    Nice one Butters

  3. So there!

  4. I’ll pass this on to my disciples — especially John. Honestly, I think he gets off on over-sharing in public.

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