On the surface this topic seems like a pretty straightforward issue, doesn’t it? Well it isn’t! Nope, the question of breast-feeding in public is fraught with hidden dangers, angry mothers and of course leaky nipples. I’m against breast-feeding in public. There I said it!

Personally I don’t want to see some hairy Sasquatch lady whip out her boob and latch her shrieking simian-like offspring on it like a bulimic tick backstage at CRUFTS. No one wants to see that grossly enlarged nipple engorged to the size of a small pizza WITH pepperoni peaking its ugly head out in public. Not to mention the stretch marks that look like an aerial shot of the Amazon after the flood season. Nor do I want to see the inevitable look of disdain on mommy dearest as she indignantly gives people the sour milk eye. Trying to look away is like trying to NOT stare at a 350 lb. Siamese dwarf wearing a fluorescent thong at the beach singing “I Will Survive”. You really DON’T want to look, you just can’t stop yourself. And trust me you can NEVER un-see that, oh god why won’t the screaming stop!

Have you ever noticed that it is never the hot moms who want to breast feed in public? Nope, it’s always the front poncho carrying, hairy underarms, Birkenstock ugly feet showing neo-hippies.  And, once again, NO ONE wants to see those fried egg looking sagging sacks of goat cheese! How hard is it to squeeze off a few pints of mommy milk into a bottle BEFORE you decide to go shop at the Piggly Wiggly?

My friend can feed her child without anyone knowing”. Sorry there Sunflower but you’re wrong. We do notice, we don’t want to but we do, and before you know it you have stared in the abyss that is the hypo-toad and are locked into his gaze!

Seriously why do people feel it’s okay to do this? “Oh it’s a beautiful act of nature between a mother and her child”. That’s the most common excuse given by the aforementioned Lola Granolas. Granted it may be a natural act between mother and baby, but the rest of the world shouldn’t have to bear witness to this most intimate of acts. Basically these people expect everyone else to look the other way instead of feeding little Abercrombie (Fitch was left at home) behind closed doors, in their own house, curtains drawn, doors locked and phone off the hook!

Going to the bathroom is also an act of nature and you’re damn skippy we do that behind closed doors. I only like going to the bathroom in my own home, I HATE USING public bathrooms! People are dirty and gross and I would rather not share a restroom with Johnny Roachcoach and his three sticky kids. And REALLY you are going into a repulsive public bathroom wearing flip-flops? LORD THAT IS SO NAUSEATING!!!!

If you really love your baby don’t force your ridiculous open communal lifestyle on them (or us) when they have no choice in the matter. You are all about choice right? Choose to show some common courtesy and plan ahead before drawing back the veil of privacy for the world to see. If you really feel the need to show strangers your most intimate of moments go ahead and post some pictures on Facespace or Hippymilkers.com!

3 Comments

  1. I tend to agree with you on the having to bare witness in public places to the saggy goat cheese boobs dangling a nipple for her little miracle to latch onto! But……….. I noticed that you are only referring to “babies” in your article! What about the 5 year old with a full mouth of teeth, eeeeewwww! Those moms out there that are STILL breastfeeding “because it’s the best & natural nutrition for my little miracle”??????!!!!!!!!! and why do they always call the young humanoids miracles? Procreating is nothing more than a natural bodily function, much like your (“going to the bathroom is also an act of nature”) example.
    WE LOVE YOU ANGRY JEW! KEEP EM COMING!!!! or should that be CUMMING! (for the procreating miracle’s)

  2. a small pizza WITH pepperoni

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