Free to good home

Be the first on your block to own this highly sought after and uber-rare Dogious Destructious, imported from the third level of Dante’s Inferno. Are you plagued with an infestation of comfortable and fluffy bed pillows? Well worry no more! Your troubles will be over when you welcome home your new pet. This gorgeous puppy will rid your house of these unwanted and nefarious lay-about pillows. 100% guarantee that the aforementioned infestation will NOT be able to come back to life as zombie pillows, what with all the stuffing ripped from their still beating cadavers. “And they threw some of me over there, and some over there, and some over there.”

Do you find a perfectly manicured stretch of grass to be an eyesore to you and your neighbors? Well fear not future owner! This spectacular hound will, in short order, make sure that your once pristine lawn is riddled with holes, pock marks, moon size craters, Stalag 17 like tunnels and of course the makings of an awesome cash cow tourist trap “The Bottomless Pit”.

If you are like me and simply cannot stand peace and quiet at 3:30 in the morning, then I have the perfect solution for your woes. Just leave your new $300 doggy door open and voila, incessant high-pitched barking at the deadly intrusion of African killer butterflies. With singular focus your new pet will ensure that your slumber equals that of the parents of an insomniac, colic riddled baby with boundary issues.

Looking for an excuse to replace the clean and integral design element that is your home carpet? Look no further people. This dog will bring you the perfect excuse to get rid of that pristine eye sore. If not from the 38 ounces of trekked in mud and dirt ~49 times a day, it will be from the chewed up bald patches that resemble Cousin It’s extended guided tour of Chernobyl.

What’s that you say? You already have a perfectly behaved dog or cat at home and don’t need another one. HA! That is where you are wrong. Your current pet is most certainly craving unwanted 22 hours a day attention of Dogious Destructious. Why should they spend all their time relaxing with you especially when you are enjoying your peaceful morning cup of coffee? Instead, how about being constantly tormented like a KKK Grand Wizard dressed in full regalia setting up a grape soda stand in South Central L.A.

Call today before this opportunity passes you by like the paint melting fumes you will soon be experiencing from your new housemate!


  1. are you mad at your sweet little doggie!!!!!?

  2. WOOF!!!

  3. Plural, not possessive. Just cause I know it pisses you off, and I still hate you. Butterflies.

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