If you are easily offended (why are you here in the first place) you might want to skip this article completely. What you are about to read are a few logical statements and questions I have regarding religion. I will try to mock discuss most of the major religions but if you feel like I’m focusing too much on yours… well too bad!

First off, can we all agree that most paintings of Jesus are simply wrong? Unless you are under the misguided perception that he happened to be the ONLY white guy in the entire region. Of course he wasn’t white, most likely he was a delicious mocha colored Jewish guy with a dark Jew-fro that on humid days could hide small children. Wasn’t it said that God created us in his image? And if God also created Jesus in his image, wouldn’t it then follow that God himself is of a mocha color? A, B, C yes D has to be next!

And, stay with me here because I could be saving your immortal soul! Here are the EXACT words from the bible itself:

Exodus 20:1-15  “You shall have no other gods before me. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.”

This is the verse regarding worshipping false idols, and as you are all aware Yahweh is NOT down with this. Now, if ALL the paintings, sculptures, tokens, t-shirts, and cheese sandwiches are of a white Jesus, you know a FALSELY depicted idol, wouldn’t it then it stand to reason that millions upon millions of believers are worshipping a false idol? You bet your burning in hell asses it does! What is that sulfur smell and why is that pineapple so big?

Secondly, two of every animal – COME ON! How can anyone with an IQ over 23.854 believe this to be true? Let me break it down so even a comatose second grader with terminal encephalitis can understand it. Two elephants, male and female, remember there are ONLY two of every animal on the U.S.S. Make Believe. They have a baby elephant, cute – a boy named Norman. With whom does baby Norman procreate to continue the species? Yes, dear old mum, which as we all know will create future generations that are mongoloid in nature due to the closed genetic puddle in which they swim. Not to mention the disgusting act of incest that no one likes to discuss AND is against god’s law. I’m not even going to get into how anyone can possibly think that two of every animal trekked across the globe (umm oceans…) to meet for a 40-day mead-mash fun cruise.

Now I realize a large number of you out there think I’m going to hell because I don’t believe what you believe. But honestly, why would anyone want to go to the afterlife to spend eternity with an entity that is so unbelievably petty and cruel? Seriously, if I ever get the chance to speak with this mythical creature I will punch first and ask questions later. Think about this oh believers of Jebus, you feel you will go to heaven because you accept he who will not be named (no not Voldemort), and those who don’t will burn in the eternal flames of hell. So according to this logic you go to “heaven” and Mahatama Gandhi goes to hell. How unbelievably unfathomable is this scenario? Gandhi is not a Christian but Jerry Sandusky is, yup that retched pedophile will have his sins absolved and the quiet Indian man goes to hell. How are you okay with this demented scenario?

Burning the Quran. Is this really such a big deal? So some mayonnaise crusty hair lip decides to show his disdain for your religion by burning a book. Does that mean your religion is somehow discounted? And now Allah won’t allow you into heaven? I’m guessing it does not. If you want people to NOT look at your religion as one of suicide murder bombers and bat shit crazy disciples perhaps it would be best to come out publicly and denounce these killers for what they are. And really 72 virgins in heaven? Pious women who live their entire lives without having sex and their afterlife is spent being just another glory hole for some odiferous murderer? Ouch.

Okay, hopefully this paragraph won’t get me kicked out of the club because I love all the swag at our bi-monthly meetings! I get why two thousand years ago we needed to keep food groups separate on our plates, but come on people these days we have refrigeration and pasteurization. Lets allow cheese to sidle up to his pal the turkey burger without thinking we have upset the Almighty. What kind of omnipotent being is concerned with cheese and meat proximity partnerships? And we can’t use electricity on the Sabbath, wait, what? Creating the universe, time, space, matter and of course Steve Jobs must be incredibly taxing. Do you really think it matters if you flick on a light, use the air conditioner, play angry birds or use a random number generator on the Sabbath? I do not.

Mormons. What is the deal with the grandma panties? And seriously he looked into a hat! COME ON!!!!

Is there one religion that is true and/or better than any of the others? I don’t think so. Religion is a PERSONAL belief, how about we keep it that way. Don’t look down at other religions because they are different than your own, yours has some crazy tenants as well. Try not to convert others to your way of believing; it is grossly egotistical and downright insulting. And furthermore DON’T travel to foreign countries to proselytize your religion on any indigenous peoples. You may think you are “saving” souls but you aren’t. You are doing nothing more than cramming your silly viewpoint on someone who didn’t ask for it. Don’t knock on my door, don’t send me your flyers, don’t tell me I’m going to hell, just shut your hole and keep your religion to yourself.

Feel free to pursue your religion of choice as you see fit but remember it’s YOUR pursuit not anyone else’s. Keep it to yourself and watch how much better this world can be. BOO-YA!

5 Comments

  1. Thank you!!!!!!

  2. Jew always were softer on your own tribe…

  3. See you in Hell. That’s where I spend my days off. The bartender there makes a martini that is,… dare I say,… heavenly.

  4. thanks for pragmatically calling it like it is. more strength to you .

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